Life is great

Well, this has been one crazy year. When i last posted, i was pretty much as low as could be. I wasnt sleeping or eating and have never been under more stress. To lose the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with was something i wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. But i picked myself up off the floor and pieced my life back together. I moved into my own place in March, and started dating again. The most unexpected thing then happened - i met the most amazing man alive. I fell instantly in love and so did he, and 7 months later we are living together and enjoying an amazing, fun relationship. I never imagined i would ever meet someone i would get along with so well. In 6 weeks im taking him home to meet my family, who are so supportive of me and have told me how they cannot wait to meet my boyfriend. as for my ex, a few months later he apologised for what he did to me and broke up with the guy he left me for. We have managed to stay good friends, with a lot of forgiveness on my part, but whats the point in staying angry? he made a mistake, a big one, but we really were best friends and i like him still being in my life. Romantically, our story is 100% over, and we both know that, and theres never any awkwardness. Hes met my new bf several times and they get along well too. Ive decided to stay in Canada to be with the man i love, but i cannot wait to go home and see my family, especially given i havnt actually seen them since i came out to them!! anyway thats the short version of the last 10 months of my life. obviously i rarely update anymore but i might do another one after my visit home.

12 months on

Well what an amazing year its been. I left my home, my family and friends, and moved to canada. Ive travvled all over north america, visited some amazing places and had some wonderful experiences. Then it all came crashing down last week. My partner of 8.5 years broke up with me . he is in love with someone else. someone i trusted explicitly. Ive had some difficult times through my life, but now i really know what rock bottom is. no food or sleep for a week. tears after tears. emptiness.

But theres always a bright side to everything. when you hit rock bottom , u feel like u have nothing left to lose. i called my mother. came clean about everything. told my siblings. they were all great. more supportive than i could possibly have imagined. i realise now that i really had nothing to worry about. my mother understood completely. she agreed that my father would never have accepted it and understood why i had never come out.
But a massive weight is off my shoulders. Im out of the closet. finally. after all these years. no more secrets or hiding who i am. now i just have to rebuild my life from the ground up. i wont be beaten. i will survive.

Im back! and moving!

hey guys! sorry about the long time between posts. my laptop shat itself a couple of months ago. my only net access has been at work and i dont dare log in to blogger there. anyways ive borrwed a laptop for a few days so thought id jump on and give an update. i got approved for my canadian work visa. ive booked my flights and accomodation. im moving in a few weeks! its come so quick i cannot believe it. im so disorganised right now, but im sure everything will come together. im so excited, nervous, anxious, happy, so many emotions.
Christmas was good, my last one with the family for a couple of years i guess, but nothing exciting happened, i didnt come out (didnt get drunk enough lol) i will prolly only see my family one more time before i go, and then it will only be some of them, so i dont think ill be coming out to them before i leave. a lot of them insist they will be coming to canada to visit me at some point while im there, maybe ill do it n a visitor by visitor basis overseas, they'll have no choice but to accept it if they wanna stay under my roof lol
anyways, ill try and give another update either before i go or once i get to canadia. take care guys

It's all falling into place

I cant believe it. i really am moving to Canada. Ive officially applied for my Visa. should hear back in a few weeks. then will book some flights and accomodation. and off i go! im going to do a bit of travel in the US beforehand. LA and Vegas to start with, ive been both places before and loved them both so much i cant wait to go again. Cant wait to have a beer at The abbey West Hollywood, my favorite bar in LA. Then going somewhere ive never been, Chicago then New York. Then off to Toronto to start a new exciting adventure. am planning other trips to Vancouver to visit a good friend, Florida for some sunshine, and Mexico for some.. well more sunshine.
Im so bloody excited. and cant wait to quit my job. Im working way too hard, i barely get time to log onto blogger anymore.
I dont know when ill be back in Australia. I have 1 burning question. Do i come out to the rest of my family before i leave? I cant decide. I prolly wont see most of em til Xmas. Is coming out an Xmas a good idea? i dunno what im gunna do. More thinking required i think.

Im moving to Canada

Ive mentioned a few times my passion for travel. ive wanted to do a working holiday for years, and have decided its time. Ill be 30 next year and have always wanted to do it before then. Ive travelled the world but never lived overseas. As an Aussie there a few easy Working Visa options, the easiest being places like Canada or the UK. Id love to actually do it in the US, but the Visa is so hard to get i cant be bothered. I have decided, as has my bf, that we are going to do a 2 year working holiday in Canada. We are still deciding which city to live in, but at this stage we are thinking Toronto, due to its close location to the East coast USA, which we want to travel around. We have already travelled West coast USA already. I know everyone says Vancouver is the best city in Canada, but its really too far away from the area i want to be. So its probably going to be a few months before it happens. And theres gunna be a lotta shit to organise to make this happen. But im determined to do it. The Visa is for 2 years. My plan is to get there, get a job soonish, but not in any rush, hopefullly a monday-friday job, so that we can travel around on weekends. Cant wait to fly off to places like New York, Chicago, Boston etc for weekends.
Well thats my exciting news for now, ill post more about it as plans develop. The main stumbling block atm is what to do with my pussy cat, i will miss him but hopefully find a friend or family member to look after him until i return

Election day

Good morning
Its Saturday Aug 21 here, time for me to vote in our national election. I have decided to vote for the Labor party under Julia Gillard. I was tempted to vote for the green party, who are supporting gay rights, and look like getting a huge vote , maybe over 10% , but decided that Julia needs every vote she can get, because otherwise the ultra conservative opposition leader Tony Abbott might win, which will be a disaster for this country. Its been a shitty campaign, both sides have been pretty negative and uninspiring, but I always have and always will vote for a left leaning party, whether it be Labor or the Greens. I just hope the rest of the country feels the same. Tony Abbott is a homophobe and must be stopped!

in other news, i came out to my someone important the other day. my dads ex who he dated for 10 years. we stayed good friends after dad died, and are very close. ive thought about telling her for ages, and as i thought , she was very supportive. to my surprise she said she had absolutely no idea, i thought she may have suspected because she often asks how my "flatmate" is, but she really really did think we were just flatmates.

so next step i think will be my mum, just not sure when, i might not see her til christmas and dont want to do it then, so maybe early next year. one step at a time!

i need another holiday

the topic is very self explanatory. i went on a 6 week holiday only 7 months ago, but im just not satisfied. im obsessed actually. i want to travel so much it hurts. i think ive mentioned my travel passion before. ive been to the UK ,North america, South america , Malaysia, New Zealand, some pacific islands, and all round my own country too. but there are several dilemmas in the way of my future travel plans
1. the bf doesnt want to travel anymore. he wants to save for a house. very sensibile, grown up, and probably the right thing to do. but how fucking boring.
2. ive only just started a new job. its gunna take me at least 12-18months to build up enough leave entitlement to take a decent holiday.
3. where to go. i have no fucking idea. there are so many cool places in the world im dying to visit, but i dunno where to go next. my first choice is mainlandeurope. but if we do go travelling again, the bf would prefer to go back to the US and do the east coast (we did west coast last time)
4. money. im not poor, nor rich, but i have a decent job and some savings, but when i go on holidays, i like to live it up. no hostels for me. i like 4-5 star hotels thanks. and no dodgy airlines. another big holiday would probably wipe out my savings.

so it looks like im going nowhere fast. but knowing this doesnt stop my obsession. whenever i get bored at work, the first thing i do: google holiday ideas. sometimes for hours on end (yes i still get some work done too) . i think for now i might just need to book a weekend away somewhere. that will keep me happy for a little while.

Gillard says no to gay marriage and my views

After a whirlwind ffirst few days as the new leader of our country , someone finally asked our new PM Julia Gillard if she or her party will support gay marriage with her as PM. She said no, which is not a surprise as she has expressed this view before. Im not disapointed in this as she is still the most gay friendly PM we have had, and i still believe she could change her stance on this, but only if there is enough public and politicial support. She stated she believed the Australian community is just not ready for gay marriage yet. Five years ago she was probably right, but recent opinion polls suggest 60% of aussies now support it, as opposed to 38% only 5 years ago. So the support for it is increasing year by year, and i do think its only a matter of time before it happens, assuming of course the Liberal party does not get re-elected anytime soon.
So what do i think of gay marriage? Personally, its not a huge issue for myself, because i dont think i would get married even if it was legal. My partner and i are very happy with things as they are and dont need some ceremony or certificate to prove anything. But i do wish it to be legalized, because i believe we should have the same rights as straight people in all things, and the choice to get married if we want it.

political upheaval

Well it been a massive day here in Australia. Imagine in the US if Barack Obama was told by the Democrat party that they no longer want him to be president , and they want Joe Biden to replace him effective immediately. Well, thats what happened here today. Today, Kevin Rudd, of the Labor Party, our Prime Minister for the last 2.5 years, resigned as PM , and was replaced by the Deputy PM, Julia Gillard, who has now become our first female PM.
Im not too sure what to think about this. I dont like the way that its happened. But im a Labor party voter, and always will be.
in November 2007, after 11 years of awfulness under the Liberal Party led by conservative dickface John Howard, Kevin Rudd swept to power in an electoral landslide, similar to what Obama achieved in the US after 8 years of Bush.
Unfortunately Rudd's mega high popularity of the last 2 years has nosedived in the last 6 months. with the next election due to be held sometime later this year, the Labor party felt that had no choice but to replace him. I think they panicked, and i think he still would have won the next election. When it comes down to it, i dont think ppl will vote for the oppoisition, lead by the psychotic twit , Tony abbott.
I think its great that we have a woman as PM, but its pointless if she cant do the job. Hopefully she can. If the liberal party under Abbott somehow wins the next election, the gay rights here will take another backward step. Rudd has been pretty good for gay rights, he has pretty much given equal everything except marriage/adoption/IVF. Gillard shares the same views on gay rights as he does. I even believe she could be convinced to allow a vote on gay marriage, which the majority of australians now support, as do a lot of labor party members.
Tony Abbots response to homosexuals is that " he finds them a bit threatening" . hes an ignorant, extremely right wing douchebag. just like his predecessor, the dis-honourable John Howard, who not only did not progress gay rights during his reign, he actually regressed them , whilst the rest of the world was doing otherwise.
If Abbott wins, i think ill leave the country. seriously. so go Julia. Our first female PM.

gay jokes... to laugh or not

ok i have a pretty good sense of humour i think
i have no problem at all with gay jokes generally, as long as theyre funny or dont overly ridicule us , or they come from another gay person or a close friend.
i was in a social situation the other day where i got told a gay joke by someone who doesnt know about me, and i also dont know them very well. the joke was told after australia got walloped 4-0 by germany in the soccer world cup.
the joke was about a little boy in class whos teacher asked him what his daddy does. the little boy replied his daddy was gay and strips in gay bars and sleeps with men for money. after class the teacher asked him if that was true, to which the little boy replied "no, he plays soccer for australia, but i was too embarresed to tell the truth"

ok its kinda funny really, if ur american i guess replace "australian soccer team" with something like "new jersey nets" , and it might be kinda funny to you as well.what does anyone else think? not just about this joke but gay jokes generally?
i really didnt like it at the time, coming from a straight person whom i dont know very well.
its like a white person telling a racist joke to a black person i reckon.



besides that , things r ok, no big news :)

telling more ppl

hey guys! found a spare couple of hours to do a post. ive also been catching up on a few of my favorite blogs for the last hour. congrats to Taylor - taylor has a great blog http://cirrusflyer.blogspot.com/ that ive been following since he started it, and his progress over the last few months has been amazing, and he came out to his best friend the other night and it went well for him.
also welcome back ethan! im glad things r getting better for u and ur back posting.

so whats been happening with me? well still busy working off course. havnt had much of a life lately but i got a free day today, and im going to a party tonight with some friends.
im catching up with my brothers again soon and im trying to decide if i should tell another brother. i guess it will depend on how drunk i get? haha. im not going to put any pressure on myself, because im pretty happy with things as they r right now. i know that eventually i need to go beyond telling just 1 brother, but there is no rush .
anyway i havnt decided and im still 50/50 , its a couple of weeks before i see them so i still have time to think it through.

my mum had more surgery last week, and she is doing lot better. her condition (its a kidney problem)may still cause her problems in the future but for now she will be ok which is great!

so anyway its 5pm on a saturday here and i need to go make myself look good for tonight
take care everyone!
john

so damn busy

Hey guys

im so busy lately with the new job that ive barely had a chance to get online let alone write a decent post. hopefully it all settles down soon. im workin some crazy hours, but i need to put in the hard yards now, because if i work had in this job, the promotion oppurtunites that will be there for me in the next 1-2 years will be unlimited.



meanwhile, not much exciting has happened in my life. my mum is having an operation this week which will hopefully fix her health problems, at least in the short term. I havnt spoken with my brother since last time, but im not worried about that anymore.



so yeah, not much else to report on for now really, hopefully ill have something more interesting to write next time i get a chance to log on.

take care everyone

hot hot boss!!!

so i recently started a new job, and of course have a new boss.
when i met him, my eyes nearly fell out of my head.
he is about 26ish. lebansese descent. stunning hazel eyes. absoultely stunning face. clearly toned body. basically: the hottest boss one could wish for.
i keep trying not to stare at him, but finding it very difficult. i dont know anyone well yet, so havnt disclosed my sexuality to anyone.
so anyways, i decided to look up my new boss on facebook. not only does he have a profile, we even have a mutual friend. his profile was not private so i could see all his pics. i know its kinda stalkerish, but what else is facebook for?
so went thru all his pics. he has his shirt off in about half of them. oh my, what a friggin body.
i cant see myself gettin much work done in this job.
but i have no complaints. eye candy defintelty makes work more fun!

caught up with my bro!!!

ok so i decided to bite the bullet, i msgd my brother this morning asking him to dinner & a game of pool tonight (thursday australia time). he said yes and we met up and everything was just normal., we chatted as if nothing had happened. we had dinner, then went and got a pool table and had a few games of pool and a few beers. i wasnt sure if i should bring up the "outing" so i kept quiet about it, i was basically just relieved to see he was acting totally normal around me. so eventually he brought it up himself, which pleaseantly surprised me. he said "well u kinda shocked me the other week" i was like yeah, i shocked myself by the fact i actually came out to you! he basically reiterated that when he comes down to it, he really couldnt give a fuck either way, as long as i was happy. he asked about my bf. it was kinda funny, he couldnt seem to say the actual word "boyfriend" so instead he said... "i would like to meet your..... mate"
i said id love him too, so looks like they will be meeting soon. theyve actually met once before, but only briefly at my fathers funeral, where my bf was only introduced as my "flatmate".
he asked what i intended to do regarding telling the rest of the fam. i said i wasnt sure, which is completely true, he said he will support me no matter what but doesnt think i need to rush into anything, which i agree with of course.
so basically, it is really really all good with my bro, and i couldnt be happier about that!!!

well im off for a weekend away , im off to the great australian city of melbourne for 3 days (melbourne is seriously awesome, i know everyone overseas hears all about sydney, which is awesome too, but melbourne is just so much fun) thanks to my regular commenters for ur support, i cant say how much it means to log in and see ur supportive messages!!! xox see u all soon

O Brother, Where art thou?

so i havnt heard from my brother since he sent that sms the day after i came out to him. its not extremely unusual as we do go for long periods without talking, but i thought he woulda contacted me by now to catch up again and maybe follow up on our discussion. i might be being a bit paranoid, but im worried that hes been thinking about it and is now avoiding me. im thinking of texting him tomorrow and seeing if he wants to catch up later this week. i wanted him to contact me first to ask me to do something, but if he doesnt then i guess ill make the first move. if he says he cant make it, then ill know somethings up!!!
i think ive satisfied my "coming out" desire for now, i dont feel ready to tell anyone else yet. i know for most ppl once they tell 1 fam member, they usually tell the rest or at least some more, but thats just not me, as my story over the last few years shows, this is a slow process for me, but im getting there, and eventually will make it the whole way im sure.

in other news my mum is still very ill so im still a bit worried, hopefully she starts getting better soon, the longer shes ill the more worried i am!!

ive decided to keep blogging permanently for now, although with everything thats going on (ive also just started a new job!!) ill probably only have time for 1-2 posts per week. it just feels too good to get these thoughts and feelings out every now and then, its kinda soothing .

lest we forget

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.
Lest we forget.

Yesterday was ANZAC day here in australia, our day of rememberance for our war veterans and armed forces. both my grandfathers were WWII vets, one has passed on now, the other still marches in the sydney parade every year, even though hes well into his 80's. one of my brothers marches proudly for my other grandfather, as they were very close. i go in every year to watch the parade, and cheer on the ppl who sacrificed so much for the great country of australia. and of course, as is the other anzac day tradition, after a morning of sombre rememberance, plenty of beer is to be drunk in the afternoon.
it was also a good day for me to reflect on what really matters in this world. i also thought about why i originally started this blog. it was for me, and for me alone. as an outlet for my thoughts. as a way to tell my story. although im still really really angry about the whole mikey thing, ive decided its time to move on. there are still many unanswered questions about the whole thing, but im guessing there are some questions that just will never be answered, and i want to focus on the real things in life.
even though i came out to my brother after being inspiried by mikeys story, it was still my decision to do so, and i dont regret that.
everything we do in life has a consequence, so im going to go out and live the best one i can.

fuck you, "mikey"

fuck you "mikey" and your fucking lies
for those of you who havnt seen yet, "mikey" the gay hockey player from minnesota, is a fraud
i am so fucking angry, and pissed off that noone has explained fully why/how someone would do this, and who this arsehole really is. this guy inspired most of the blogs that i love, including mine. his post a few weeks ago about how he came out to this younger brother was a major inspiritation in me coming out to my own brother/ and it was a fucking lie!!!!!!
he went as far as to make up brothers. friends. best friends. dogs. parents. hockey games. went asd far as to pretend his best friend was "commenting" on his posts, and even had people asking his best friend questions, and he then replied with answers from this best friend!!!
me and this "kid" also emailed each other back and forth quite a few times, turns out i was emailing some dirty old fucker who was probably laughing every time.
now that this is all exposed, i can reveal another reason why i cracked the shits and stopped blogging. i suspect this is the not the only fake blog out there. i had been emailing back and forth with this other blogger for a couple of months, and something just didnt seem to click right. i began to believe that this person was a fake, but i have absolutely no proof, so i wont reveal which blog i think it is, but it made me realise that ppl arnt always what they seem to be.
to be honest in the past i did suspect the mikey blog was fake, however had become 100% convinced it wasnt . turns out everything was just an elaborate hoax, and i will not believe anything on this blogworld again. at least i know that one person is honest and themselves on here - me. its pretty much impossible to trust anyone else ever again on here

my brother still loves me

hey guys
just an update following on from yesterdays post. so i have some good news. my mum had a major operation today and apparently it went well which is great. she should be out of hospital soon, however the medical issue is recurring ,so then just have to hope she can stay healthy for as long as possible. im nowhere near as worried about her as i was, which is a good feeling.

so when i woke up today i sent my brother a text saying thanks for last night. his response pretty much made me cry.

"love u man. yr my bro!! will not breathe a word not even to G. well done to u tho must be tough with telling some people. i think youd be surprised how most people would react. some would be idiots about it, but forget them."

G is his wife, who i have no probolems with but shes not an immediate relative, so id prefer she be one of the last to know. everyone i tell, i want it to come from my mouth. not from someone else. and my siblings and my mum r the ones who need to be told first. ive never heard any of my silblings tell any of them that they loved them, and for him to say last night and then via text this morning that he loves me really makes me feel so much better. there is stil a lot we need to talk about, because as i said, his reaction wasnt completely positive. i tried to tell him about my bf, but he seemed to not want to know anything about it really. but now that he knows, i want him to know everything, and i want him to understand that this wasnt my choice but its just who i am, and after years of turmoil im finally realising that i want to live a happy life the way i am, and eventually i want that to be with the complete support of my family. i want to one day take my bf to a family event, and not pretend he is my flatmate. hell, maybe one day if they ever legalize it here, i might want to get married, and have them all there. these r things that i think about a lot.

so i have 3 more siblings to tell, and my mum of course. i wont be saying anything to mum tho until she is healthy,she doesnt need any stress right now!!!

im not in any rush to tell any of them right now actually. coming out to one of them was the hugest step ive ever taken, and its taken me all these years to finally get the guts to do it. one thing ive learnt thru this whole thing is ive got to do this at my own pace. its defintely a snails pace, but slow and steady wins the race i reckon.

the other thing is, as per usual when i come out to someone, i ws very drunk. it seems to be the only way i can bring myself to say the words. my mum and i dont exactly go drinking together, so when i tell her its gunna be a totally different kettle of fish. a few years ago i found out mum used to smoke a bit of pot occasionaly (only a couple of times as an adult, so mostly when she was a teenager, after all she did grow up in the late 60,s!), maybe when shes better i should get stoned with her and do it that way? haha. seriously tho, its going to be so hard, but its something i really want to do. i just cant live the lie anymore.

back for a quick, important update

hey guys
sorry i had to depart so suddenly
things arnt great with my life atm, my mum is very ill. ive barely had time to log online.
ive already lost my father recently and i couldnt bear to lose her now
i need to focus attention elsewhere and have a lot of other stuff happening too.
but i had to do a post, because with everything thats going on (other things too) i made a very rash decision that i had to write about.
i caught up with one of my brothers today (i have 3) who i dont see to often, mostly due to geographical reasons (australia is a big country!)
we went out for a few drinks and got fairly drunk. he was going on and on about trying to meet a girl, and something inside me just snapped. i just blurted out to him that i was gay.
the reaction was mixed. the first thing he said was , he kinda suspected, and he loves me regardless. he said he will support me 100%. what he didnt understand however, was that me being gay was not a choice. he kept asking why i chose that life for myself, and i kept trying to explain with not much success that i did not choose it, nor would i ever.
we left things on drunken terms.
i hope to hear from him tomorrow for a sober reaction. he promised not to tell anyone else in the family
its the biggest step ive ever taken coming out
im not quite sure how i feel. im glad i wasnt rejected, which is how i thought i would be treated for so many years.
im glad he promised to support me no matter what, but im a little upset that he didnt understand that me being gay wasnt a choice.
he also recommended i keep it quiet from other family members for the moment, because he wasnt sure if some others would take it so well
to be honest im sitting here in complete shock that i actually came out to a family member
i dont know what to feel or think right now, but there is a little part of me that feels a slight weight has been lifted. in the words of neil armstrong, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

ill try to do a follow up post soon, thanks for understanding about my recent absence,

goodbye

hi everyone
just letting you know i wont be blogging anymore. dont really wanna talk about why tho sorry
thanks to everyone for reading and especially those who commented and emailed me
i wish u all well
cheers
john