telling more ppl

hey guys! found a spare couple of hours to do a post. ive also been catching up on a few of my favorite blogs for the last hour. congrats to Taylor - taylor has a great blog http://cirrusflyer.blogspot.com/ that ive been following since he started it, and his progress over the last few months has been amazing, and he came out to his best friend the other night and it went well for him.
also welcome back ethan! im glad things r getting better for u and ur back posting.

so whats been happening with me? well still busy working off course. havnt had much of a life lately but i got a free day today, and im going to a party tonight with some friends.
im catching up with my brothers again soon and im trying to decide if i should tell another brother. i guess it will depend on how drunk i get? haha. im not going to put any pressure on myself, because im pretty happy with things as they r right now. i know that eventually i need to go beyond telling just 1 brother, but there is no rush .
anyway i havnt decided and im still 50/50 , its a couple of weeks before i see them so i still have time to think it through.

my mum had more surgery last week, and she is doing lot better. her condition (its a kidney problem)may still cause her problems in the future but for now she will be ok which is great!

so anyway its 5pm on a saturday here and i need to go make myself look good for tonight
take care everyone!
john

so damn busy

Hey guys

im so busy lately with the new job that ive barely had a chance to get online let alone write a decent post. hopefully it all settles down soon. im workin some crazy hours, but i need to put in the hard yards now, because if i work had in this job, the promotion oppurtunites that will be there for me in the next 1-2 years will be unlimited.



meanwhile, not much exciting has happened in my life. my mum is having an operation this week which will hopefully fix her health problems, at least in the short term. I havnt spoken with my brother since last time, but im not worried about that anymore.



so yeah, not much else to report on for now really, hopefully ill have something more interesting to write next time i get a chance to log on.

take care everyone

hot hot boss!!!

so i recently started a new job, and of course have a new boss.
when i met him, my eyes nearly fell out of my head.
he is about 26ish. lebansese descent. stunning hazel eyes. absoultely stunning face. clearly toned body. basically: the hottest boss one could wish for.
i keep trying not to stare at him, but finding it very difficult. i dont know anyone well yet, so havnt disclosed my sexuality to anyone.
so anyways, i decided to look up my new boss on facebook. not only does he have a profile, we even have a mutual friend. his profile was not private so i could see all his pics. i know its kinda stalkerish, but what else is facebook for?
so went thru all his pics. he has his shirt off in about half of them. oh my, what a friggin body.
i cant see myself gettin much work done in this job.
but i have no complaints. eye candy defintelty makes work more fun!

caught up with my bro!!!

ok so i decided to bite the bullet, i msgd my brother this morning asking him to dinner & a game of pool tonight (thursday australia time). he said yes and we met up and everything was just normal., we chatted as if nothing had happened. we had dinner, then went and got a pool table and had a few games of pool and a few beers. i wasnt sure if i should bring up the "outing" so i kept quiet about it, i was basically just relieved to see he was acting totally normal around me. so eventually he brought it up himself, which pleaseantly surprised me. he said "well u kinda shocked me the other week" i was like yeah, i shocked myself by the fact i actually came out to you! he basically reiterated that when he comes down to it, he really couldnt give a fuck either way, as long as i was happy. he asked about my bf. it was kinda funny, he couldnt seem to say the actual word "boyfriend" so instead he said... "i would like to meet your..... mate"
i said id love him too, so looks like they will be meeting soon. theyve actually met once before, but only briefly at my fathers funeral, where my bf was only introduced as my "flatmate".
he asked what i intended to do regarding telling the rest of the fam. i said i wasnt sure, which is completely true, he said he will support me no matter what but doesnt think i need to rush into anything, which i agree with of course.
so basically, it is really really all good with my bro, and i couldnt be happier about that!!!

well im off for a weekend away , im off to the great australian city of melbourne for 3 days (melbourne is seriously awesome, i know everyone overseas hears all about sydney, which is awesome too, but melbourne is just so much fun) thanks to my regular commenters for ur support, i cant say how much it means to log in and see ur supportive messages!!! xox see u all soon

O Brother, Where art thou?

so i havnt heard from my brother since he sent that sms the day after i came out to him. its not extremely unusual as we do go for long periods without talking, but i thought he woulda contacted me by now to catch up again and maybe follow up on our discussion. i might be being a bit paranoid, but im worried that hes been thinking about it and is now avoiding me. im thinking of texting him tomorrow and seeing if he wants to catch up later this week. i wanted him to contact me first to ask me to do something, but if he doesnt then i guess ill make the first move. if he says he cant make it, then ill know somethings up!!!
i think ive satisfied my "coming out" desire for now, i dont feel ready to tell anyone else yet. i know for most ppl once they tell 1 fam member, they usually tell the rest or at least some more, but thats just not me, as my story over the last few years shows, this is a slow process for me, but im getting there, and eventually will make it the whole way im sure.

in other news my mum is still very ill so im still a bit worried, hopefully she starts getting better soon, the longer shes ill the more worried i am!!

ive decided to keep blogging permanently for now, although with everything thats going on (ive also just started a new job!!) ill probably only have time for 1-2 posts per week. it just feels too good to get these thoughts and feelings out every now and then, its kinda soothing .

lest we forget

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.
Lest we forget.

Yesterday was ANZAC day here in australia, our day of rememberance for our war veterans and armed forces. both my grandfathers were WWII vets, one has passed on now, the other still marches in the sydney parade every year, even though hes well into his 80's. one of my brothers marches proudly for my other grandfather, as they were very close. i go in every year to watch the parade, and cheer on the ppl who sacrificed so much for the great country of australia. and of course, as is the other anzac day tradition, after a morning of sombre rememberance, plenty of beer is to be drunk in the afternoon.
it was also a good day for me to reflect on what really matters in this world. i also thought about why i originally started this blog. it was for me, and for me alone. as an outlet for my thoughts. as a way to tell my story. although im still really really angry about the whole mikey thing, ive decided its time to move on. there are still many unanswered questions about the whole thing, but im guessing there are some questions that just will never be answered, and i want to focus on the real things in life.
even though i came out to my brother after being inspiried by mikeys story, it was still my decision to do so, and i dont regret that.
everything we do in life has a consequence, so im going to go out and live the best one i can.

fuck you, "mikey"

fuck you "mikey" and your fucking lies
for those of you who havnt seen yet, "mikey" the gay hockey player from minnesota, is a fraud
i am so fucking angry, and pissed off that noone has explained fully why/how someone would do this, and who this arsehole really is. this guy inspired most of the blogs that i love, including mine. his post a few weeks ago about how he came out to this younger brother was a major inspiritation in me coming out to my own brother/ and it was a fucking lie!!!!!!
he went as far as to make up brothers. friends. best friends. dogs. parents. hockey games. went asd far as to pretend his best friend was "commenting" on his posts, and even had people asking his best friend questions, and he then replied with answers from this best friend!!!
me and this "kid" also emailed each other back and forth quite a few times, turns out i was emailing some dirty old fucker who was probably laughing every time.
now that this is all exposed, i can reveal another reason why i cracked the shits and stopped blogging. i suspect this is the not the only fake blog out there. i had been emailing back and forth with this other blogger for a couple of months, and something just didnt seem to click right. i began to believe that this person was a fake, but i have absolutely no proof, so i wont reveal which blog i think it is, but it made me realise that ppl arnt always what they seem to be.
to be honest in the past i did suspect the mikey blog was fake, however had become 100% convinced it wasnt . turns out everything was just an elaborate hoax, and i will not believe anything on this blogworld again. at least i know that one person is honest and themselves on here - me. its pretty much impossible to trust anyone else ever again on here

my brother still loves me

hey guys
just an update following on from yesterdays post. so i have some good news. my mum had a major operation today and apparently it went well which is great. she should be out of hospital soon, however the medical issue is recurring ,so then just have to hope she can stay healthy for as long as possible. im nowhere near as worried about her as i was, which is a good feeling.

so when i woke up today i sent my brother a text saying thanks for last night. his response pretty much made me cry.

"love u man. yr my bro!! will not breathe a word not even to G. well done to u tho must be tough with telling some people. i think youd be surprised how most people would react. some would be idiots about it, but forget them."

G is his wife, who i have no probolems with but shes not an immediate relative, so id prefer she be one of the last to know. everyone i tell, i want it to come from my mouth. not from someone else. and my siblings and my mum r the ones who need to be told first. ive never heard any of my silblings tell any of them that they loved them, and for him to say last night and then via text this morning that he loves me really makes me feel so much better. there is stil a lot we need to talk about, because as i said, his reaction wasnt completely positive. i tried to tell him about my bf, but he seemed to not want to know anything about it really. but now that he knows, i want him to know everything, and i want him to understand that this wasnt my choice but its just who i am, and after years of turmoil im finally realising that i want to live a happy life the way i am, and eventually i want that to be with the complete support of my family. i want to one day take my bf to a family event, and not pretend he is my flatmate. hell, maybe one day if they ever legalize it here, i might want to get married, and have them all there. these r things that i think about a lot.

so i have 3 more siblings to tell, and my mum of course. i wont be saying anything to mum tho until she is healthy,she doesnt need any stress right now!!!

im not in any rush to tell any of them right now actually. coming out to one of them was the hugest step ive ever taken, and its taken me all these years to finally get the guts to do it. one thing ive learnt thru this whole thing is ive got to do this at my own pace. its defintely a snails pace, but slow and steady wins the race i reckon.

the other thing is, as per usual when i come out to someone, i ws very drunk. it seems to be the only way i can bring myself to say the words. my mum and i dont exactly go drinking together, so when i tell her its gunna be a totally different kettle of fish. a few years ago i found out mum used to smoke a bit of pot occasionaly (only a couple of times as an adult, so mostly when she was a teenager, after all she did grow up in the late 60,s!), maybe when shes better i should get stoned with her and do it that way? haha. seriously tho, its going to be so hard, but its something i really want to do. i just cant live the lie anymore.

back for a quick, important update

hey guys
sorry i had to depart so suddenly
things arnt great with my life atm, my mum is very ill. ive barely had time to log online.
ive already lost my father recently and i couldnt bear to lose her now
i need to focus attention elsewhere and have a lot of other stuff happening too.
but i had to do a post, because with everything thats going on (other things too) i made a very rash decision that i had to write about.
i caught up with one of my brothers today (i have 3) who i dont see to often, mostly due to geographical reasons (australia is a big country!)
we went out for a few drinks and got fairly drunk. he was going on and on about trying to meet a girl, and something inside me just snapped. i just blurted out to him that i was gay.
the reaction was mixed. the first thing he said was , he kinda suspected, and he loves me regardless. he said he will support me 100%. what he didnt understand however, was that me being gay was not a choice. he kept asking why i chose that life for myself, and i kept trying to explain with not much success that i did not choose it, nor would i ever.
we left things on drunken terms.
i hope to hear from him tomorrow for a sober reaction. he promised not to tell anyone else in the family
its the biggest step ive ever taken coming out
im not quite sure how i feel. im glad i wasnt rejected, which is how i thought i would be treated for so many years.
im glad he promised to support me no matter what, but im a little upset that he didnt understand that me being gay wasnt a choice.
he also recommended i keep it quiet from other family members for the moment, because he wasnt sure if some others would take it so well
to be honest im sitting here in complete shock that i actually came out to a family member
i dont know what to feel or think right now, but there is a little part of me that feels a slight weight has been lifted. in the words of neil armstrong, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

ill try to do a follow up post soon, thanks for understanding about my recent absence,

goodbye

hi everyone
just letting you know i wont be blogging anymore. dont really wanna talk about why tho sorry
thanks to everyone for reading and especially those who commented and emailed me
i wish u all well
cheers
john