happy new year!

just a quick note as im short on time, just finished work now have to pack as im going away for a couple of days to a friends beach house. i only started this blog a few weeks ago , and im enjoying writing it, and there is still so much to tell, and i look forward to writing more in 2010. thanks to the people who have commented and emailed me the last few weeks - as i said from the start i am writing this for myself , but its great that so many people are reading, and so many people seem to relate to what im saying . adios until next year!

john

friendships & starting to come out

whilst everything was going on with tim, dave and i also hung out a lot and became really good friends. we hung out lots, did a lot of partying, and he took me to gay bars. by about Feb 2002 we had known each other only 2 months but were very best friends, we saw each other every day. he had a bf who was a bit of a wanker and that he had lost interest in, and although he didnt like me romantically i was his escape from that. he couldnt dump him cause the guy was mental and he didnt know what would happen if he did. so i helped him with that while he helped me with my issues. he also had some great friends, mostly girls (fag hags i guess), who i became close with. it was cool to hang out with people who knew your sexuailty but couldnt care less, its not something i imagined experiencing, growing up like i did you just assume everyone is a bigot or will think less of they know ur gay, it was comforting to know not everyone was like that. so i guess besides my experience of telling the straight best friend which was about 4-5 months earlier, this was the start of my coming out process (something which is still going on 7 years later!!!!!). its totally different thought when these are new people who know who you are from the start. i was still in no way prepared to start telling anyone else, especially from my past.

roommate complications

i had mixed feelings about living with tim. even though i was feeling a lot more comfortable with my sexuality,i still was quite a bit fucked up about it, and i was still completely in the closet, and totally paranoid about living with a gay guy, especially tim who was completely out, and had been since he was 16. so everyone i met thru him was gunna know about me, something i wasnt yet comfortable with. i was also paranoid about any of my friends and family visiting, as he said he was not gunna hide who he was if any of them visited. so i kinda worked hard at keeping certain people away, which wasnt good, and i know i didnt handle it well, but i did what i felt i had to.
then there was the fact that i had a thing for him. he was totally messed up about his bf leaving him, and he wanted me to sleep with him for quite a few weeks. we only had sex maybe 3 times, he just wanted someone there next to him as a comfort thing. he then kinda treated me like an asshole, he started sleeping with other guys in between these nights, but then would tell me things like he thought maybe one day we could be together, which was complete bullshit. he even tricked me into working for him for free for a week. looking back, i was so naive and young, and probably a bit lost. after about a month or so, i finally realised what a prick he was, and i got over him pretty quickly, and we became just roommates and i stopped sleeping in his room. but i defintely was a bit heart broken over the whole thing. i didnt move because i was still at uni and didnt have much money. and despite the bad stuff, having a gay roommate meant i could do what i wanted at home without having to hide it, and this was definitly an upside.

two weeks of craziness!

after i stopped seeing the fuckbuddy , two weeks of mayhem followed. i organised a date with a guy i had been chatting to online, ill call him tim. it was a great date, we had a great dinner, then went back to his place and had some great sex. i fell in love overnight. i thought he was a fantastic guy. this was Dec 22 2001. but he then avoided me for a few days for some reason, whch really sucked, so i kept looking. i was due to travel home xmas eve that year for the family xmas, but i fell violently ill that same day. it turned out i had severe tonsilitis. i had zero energy and could not travel. it was the worst xmas ever. i spent xmas day alone, didnt see a soul. i was depressed and miserable all day. but by Dec 28 i was feeling a lot better, and i met up with another guy , ill call him dave. dave and i got along like a house on fire. there wasnt much sexual chemistry but we had a lot in common and went out partying together. this night i went to a gay club for the first time. i was scared shitless, and did not want to go, but after i got drunk dave convinced me to go with him. so we went inside and i got harrassed by a drag queen and then a heap of feral queens kept hitting on me. so i sat in a corner hiding all night, not wanting to be seen. i didnt have fun at all! i was also completely paranoid that i would see someone who knew me, even though that was very unlikely.
the next day, tim called me after a week of avoiding me. he apologised and asked me to come over to his place, so i did. he then told me the truth, his boyfriend of 6 years had left him for another man a week earlier, and his boyfriend was still living in the same house!! he said he had a date with a different guy every night of the week, to try and make himself feel better. wow he was messed up! we slept together again that night. i still liked him a lot, but there was no way he wanted anything more. he had a party on NYE. it turned out that tim and dave actually knew each other! dave came to the party. we all got really wasted, and went back to the gay club again. i had a much better time this time, i was feeling a little less paranoid and realised there were some decent ppl there. i think that night i finally admitted to people that i was gay, not "bisexual" which is what i had been telling everyone online. i think i also finally admitted it to myself.

because i had been so busy partying for a few days, i had neglected the housework where i was living. i lived with 2 flatmates, a boring as hell straight couple who held the lease. they had been away for a few days and wernt due back for a few more. but new years day, i got a phone call from them, which i ignored. i was at tims house, and ridiculously hung over . they left me an abusive voice message, saying the house was a pigsty and they wanted to talk to me. so i went home and they told me they wanted me to move out asap cause i couldnt be trusted to keep the house clean. funny i had lived there for months and had always done more than my share of housework, and they know im generally a very clean person. so i told them to fuck themselves and said ill be out asap.

i told tim about it, and his ex-boyfriend was moving out that week and he needed someone to move in, so he invited me to live with him as flatmates. i didnt think it was a good idea. but i was very short on options, so decided to do it. so by the end of the first week of Jan, i was living with Tim. and so ended 2 of the weirdest weeks of my life!

coming out at christmas

just a quick post, merry christmas to all.ive had all my family at my place for the day, they are all gone now except my mum who stayed the night. i had a great day, lots of yummy food , plenty of beer, and great company. its the one time of year when i see all my family, as we are so spread around we rarely get together except for special events. every christmas, i think about coming out. it really would be a perfect time to do it, i would only have to say it once as everyone is there. i always imagine just suddenly tapping a glass an saying i have an announcement, and blurting it out. it never happens though, i dont have the guts. maybe one day. but not this year.

the fuckbuddy

my second foray into the gay internet life was very different from the first. i no longer felt like the scared little boy who was too frightened to even give his real name to someone he chatted to online. i started chatting to a lot of guys, and of course they all wanted to meet up. i think being in a city where you have no family and not many friends made it easier to give the net more of a fair go this time. i decided to bite the bullet and do it. i had been chatting to a guy who was a bit like me, still in the closet. he seemed totally normal online. so we organised to meet up, not for sex, just to chat . i have never been so friggin scared in my life, i was so nervous. he came to my house to pick me up to go to the beach. unfortunately, it went awfully. the guy was a bit of a freak. not bad looking, but really weird. he didnt have any personality or social skills. we spent about an hour together and then he dropped me off home, we never spoke again.
i didnt regret meeting him, even though it went badly, i felt kinda liberated having done it. so i organised to meet someone else. this was about OCT 2001. this guy was a bit older, 33 when i was 20. he was recently seperated from his wife, and not out to anyone yet, and he had a daughter. i felt kinda awkward about that situation, given my age and naiveity, but decided to meet him anyway. we got along great. he was a hot as his photos, perfect body. he lived about an hour from me, so i agreed to go to his place, and stay the night. he said if we didnt find each other attractive, he had a spare room i could sleep in. we both kinda knew what was gunna happen if we were attracted! and thats what did happen. we went out for dinner , and then back to his place. he asked if i wanted to sleep in the spare room or his bed. i said his bed of course. he had a bit more experience than me, he started sleeping with guys about a year earlier when he first seperated from his wife. i had only ever been with 1 guy before, and i was pretty drunk that time. this time i was fairly sober and really really nervous. but he made me feel at ease, he said he didnt want me to do anything i didnt feel comfortable with. we went to bed and got naked. we spent probably the next hour just touching each other. it was nice. eventually we started going for it. i reckon this was probably about 10pm. and we continued all night, until the sun came up. we didnt sleep at all! it was totally not awkward the next day either, like i thought it might be. but i had uni so i had to leave. we organised for me to come visit him again the weekend after. the funniest thing happened the 2nd time. we spent the weekend together, i was really getting used to hot man sex, loving every minute of it! so on the sunday morning we are in the shower together, doing what 2 men in the shower do together. and then there is a BANG BANG on his bathroom window!! (thankfully not see thru). then we hear a voice calling my friends name. it was his mother and father coming for a surprise visit!!! he totally freaked. i went and hid in his walk in closet in his bedroom (how ironic!), dripping wet . in come his parents. he tried to get rid of them, but it was taking a few minutes. then, i hear footsteps and his mums voice. she has walked into his bedroom. i started freaking out, thinking she was coming in to put something in the closet. there was no explaining our way out of this one! thankfully she didnt open the closet, and my friend managed to get them to leave. after they left and we both calmed down, we both saw the funny side of what had just happened, and it became a running joke everytime we saw each other.
the relationship didnt get too serious. we probably met up once a week for about 2 months. he was my first fuckbuddy. altohugh neither of us were seeing other ppl. i dont think either of us wanted anything serious, and i told him i wanted to start meeting other guys from online and really start exploring my sexuality, he was totally cool with this, as he wanted to as well. we stayed in touch but i have only seem him once since. he ended up doing really well. not long after we stopped fucking, he came out to his family and ex-wife and his daughter. his ex-wife was a bitch at first, but got over it. the rest of his family supported him 100% . i believe he is now in a happy long term relationship and has a great relationship with his daughter. i really appreciated everything he taught me, not only sexually, but he made me feel so much better about being gay. he had been through so much himself, and had got married and had kids to try and live the straight life. for years i had thought thats what i should do, but i learnt from him how big a mistake this would have been. so by about DEC 2001, i felt i was now ready to really put myself out there. and so i did!

Back Online

Ok so im pretty tired, today being my last day of work for a few days i was so damn busy! and the last couple of posts were pretty full on, so a very quick post tonight. Ok so after my friend rejected me after coming out to him, which i think was about august 2001, i was pretty down as u can imagine. i decided to snap myself out of it by trying the online gay world again in about september. a lot had changed in 9 months. i discovered two websites that were not really around when i had last been active online for that purpose. gaydar and gay.com. gay.com i used for chat, and gaydar for a profile. i got pretty damn hooked on both straight away. these websites pretty much changed my life, and i will talk about how it all began tomorrow, as im falling asleep whilst writing this lol. zzzzz

the straight best friend part 2

so a few months later i get a phone call out of the blue. it was him. wow why is he calling me?!?! so he says he wants to apologise for the way he treated me. he said he totally freaked out , not only because i was gay, but because he also thought i was way into him(i didnt dare tell him he was right!) . but now that he had had time to get over it, he decided that he was ok with it and he wanted to catch up. so he came over to my house a week later with a carton of beer and we basically spent all night discussing what had happened, me, and my life. he still seemed kinda uneasy, but he was trying. so he left my place on good terms, but it was obvious our friendship was never going back to how it was. to be honest due to the way he had treated me i was totally over him and during that time i had really started my gay life. but he was still smokin hot, and i was happy to stay friends. but it was probably another couple of months before we spoke. i rang him to tell him i was going overseas for a couple of months. he said he wanted to see me before i left. so he came over to my place a couple of nights before i left, with another carton beer, and also some pot (he liked to smoke a little now and then) . so we talked even more, a lot more openly, as we got drunker and drunker and a bit stoned. we discussed things in so much detail, he asked a lot of questions about me being gay, and even wanted me to tell him what sort of things i liked to do in bed! . he seemed completely at ease this time, although maybe being drunk and stoned helped. but he told me that because of me, he felt he had grown up, and he no longer felt he had any issues with me or homosexuality. later in the night, and by this stage we were really really wasted, it started to occur to me that he seemed a bit interested in me sexually. we started wrestling for some reason. man that was fun. dunno how or why it started tho! anyways after a bit of a wrestle we layed down on my bed to rest (we had spent the whole night in my bedroom). i noticed he had a big hard on poking thru his jeans!!!! i cant explain the next bit so well, because it was just one of those situations where you just know what is happening and dont need to say anything. he unzipped his pants, grabbed the back of my head and pushed it down towards his cock! i asked him if he was sure. i didnt want to ruin our friendship again. he said he was sure. so down i went. man it was nice! i dont want this to get any more pornographic than it is, so wont go into too much detail. but he seemed to be really enjoying it. then after about 15 mins he started to move me into the position where he could have a turn sucking mine. i wasnt going to complain! so as hes about to put his mouth around my cock, the freak out happens. he totally stops, and sits up. he said " i wanted to try this to see if im gay, but i dont think i am" . he said he wanted to leave. i told him there was no way i was letting him drive, due to the drinking, but he insisted he had to go. i begged him to stay, just to talk or sleep at least. he pecked me on the lips and said he really had to go. and he left
i sent him an email the next day asking him if he was ok about what happened . he replied and said he was fine with it, and when i got back from overseas we could go back to being friends. so i went overseas, and came back 2 months later. aside from a couple of emails, we never talked or met socially again. the friendship really was over. ive seen him twice since. one time , about 1 year later, in a local bar. he was with some other friends, and when he saw me a look of terror came over his face. it was quite clear what the look was. he was paranoid i was going to/or had told people what had happened. im not like that, the only people that knew a couple of friends who didnt know him from a bar of soap. we spoke briefly, very uncomfortable for about 2 minutes, it was clearly he didnt want to talk, so i left him alone.
about 2 years after that, i ran into him at the supermarket. he didnt look great. no longer as hot. looked like he had been smoking too many drugs or something. we said a quick hello and how are you, and that was it. i have never seen him since. i often think about the whole affair though, i think because there are some unanswerred questions. why did he come onto me that night? is he straight/gay or bi? why did he bevahe the way he did during the whole thing? when i think about it he was really a bit of an asshole to me mostly. but a hot asshole.

the straight best friend

january 2001. a new life began. my family & friends now lived 5 hours away. about 5 other ppl from my year at high school went to the same uni as me( a uni of about 18000 students!), but other than that i knew noone. uni was so different from high school. people were so much more mature. it was considered cool to be different. there were gay ppl everywhere. they had gay support clubs and everything. i could have started afresh from the start . but i still wasnt ready. for the first 9 months of uni i still pretended i was straight. i made some new uni friends who really wouldnt have cared, but i was so used to the closet i couldnt bear to put even a foot out. for those 9 months i stayed away from the internet, except for study purposes, so i completely segregated myself from my gay thoughts.. in my very first week, i hooked up with guess who? a girl from my high school, that i had a crush on a few years earlier (she had rejected me in high school!). what was i doing, how long could i go on like that? i mostly stopped hooking up with girls after this. and it was during this period that i hooked up with a guy for a first time, as per my post a couple of days ago. but that was pretty much an isolated incident during this period of my life. i went straight back to my closeted life. it was somewhere towards the end of this 9 months that things started to change. i made a really good guy friend from my course. he was a stunning looking guy, with a perfect gym body. he was actually a part time model. and i fell head over heels for him. i became obsessed. the obsession got the better of me. i fell into a deep depression and could not snap myself out of it. this is when i had serious suicidal thoughts, it was one of the most horrible periods of my life. years of built up feelings regarding my sexuailty came to a head. my friend started to realise something was up. after class one day he had had enough of my sulking and depressed state, and snapped at me. what the fuck is wrong with you he said. i wouldnt tell him. and then he said it. words that had never been spoken to me before, words i thought would never be spoken to me.to do this day i remember every word exactly he said "has this got something to do with the fact that you prefer the company of men" . WHAT! i said! of course not! im not gay!!! i refused to tell him the truth though, and he dropped me off home (he always drove to uni and gave me a lift). i walked inside and lay on my bed thinking for an hour. i had just had the oppurtunity to come out to my best friend at uni , a guy i was also in love with, and i didnt take it. the more i thought about it and the casual way in which he had brought it up, the more it occured to me i should have just said it. but i had been too scared. but the more i thought about it, the more i figured this was a chance for me to finally come clean to someone. someone that i had really got to care about too, even after only a few months of friendship. so i typed an sms . "youre guess about me was correct" . i think it sat on my phone for another hour, before i shut my eyes and finally got the guts and clicked the send button. and then i waited. a few mins. beep beep. got a reply. thats ok he said, im here if you need to talk he said. phew. wow. i had just come out to someone properly for the first time. and it appeared to go well. sure, it was via sms, but i had done it! my euphoria was short lived though. my friend and i shared a lot of classes , but he didnt turn up to class for a couple of days. a bit weird i thought. then he finally turned up to a lecture a couple of days later. he saw me and hesitantly walked over. it was very very awkward for 2 mins. something was up. then he mumbled some very lame excuse and suddenly left. what the fuck? it was becoming pretty obvious. he had a serious issue with me being gay. back came depression , times 1000. for fucks sake, i finally got the balls to tell someone after all these years, and get completely rejected. should have stayed in the closet. he avoided me for weeks and weeks. our friendship appeared over, he wanted nothing to do with me. we didnt speak for probably 3 months. i thought this was it between us, but this story was far from over !. i will write part 2 of this story for my next post.

my year off

so when i finished high school in dec 1999, i decided to take a year off before going to uni. i got a job in a supermarket for a year. it was perfect, a completely mindless, boring job, just what i needed at the time, with casual hours, so plenty of time to relax and party. i spent that year drunk mostly. my friends and i went out every weekend without fail, and sometimes on weeknights. always to straight bars and clubs of course. its amazing how much energy you have when your 18/19. i could go out every night, and do it all again the night after, no worries. if i have a big night now, at my ripe old age of 28, i need 3 days to recover!!! i was actually quite depressed about my sexuality all year, i thinking partying the straight life so much was one way of dealing. but i managed to hide my despair from my friends with complete mastery. not only did none of them suspect my sexuality, they didnt see the anguish inside of me.
so this was also my last year at home with my mum (it was just us 2 the last few years - all my siblings were older and moved on) my mum is a good woman, we went thru a very rocky few years, (long story - another time) but i was going to miss her. she caught me jerking off that year. i was in my room and the mega hottie next door was mowing the lawn shirtless. everytime he did this i watched unseen through my window and jerked off .(my god, that sounds so creepy when i say it like that!!!!) anyway so she came into my room without knocking. how fucken embarressing. im 99% sure she didnt realise that i was looking thru the window at the hottie next door so that was ok, but there really is nothing worse than getting caught by ur mum!! she just went "oops" and shut the door again. we never spoke of it of course - who would want to ever bring THAT up!! i think i did a lot of jerkin off that year. sometimes up to 8 times a day. i was soooo sexually frustrated. i wanted so bad to be with a guy but never thought it would happen, so jerkin off thinking about it was by far the best substitute.
so at the end of that year the time finally came. i had to say goodbye to my friends and my mum and move away for uni. it was sad, but i was kinda excited too. i cried when i said goodbye to my 2 very best friends.. a lot. how manly of me, haha.

early internet days

wow so i saw avatar last night, and was quite impressed, the effects were amazing, storyline was passable. i see sequels coming!

so i want to write about when i first got the internet, because it was my first contact with the gay world. before i got the internet, i felt so so alone, i had never even spoken to a single person about my feelings. I got the internet in 1996, when it was still quite new, but growing rapidly. so i was 15. i had no idea how to use a computer , let alone the internet, but i taught myself quite quickly. at first i dont think the idea of gay chatrooms or even gay porn had even crossed my mind. google did not exist. there were search engines though, and i remember one day a few months after i got the net i searched the word gay, and so much came up. i felt so guilty and so dirty that i quickly shut the browser. i had no idea that internet explorer kept a history of what you looked at, thankfully though i worked this out before someone else used my computer!
so i reckon i searched the words "gay" or "fag" and immediately closed the window at least 10 times over a period of several months before i finally got the guts to look at some webpages, and eventually i found my way onto a gay chatroom. this was my first gay expereince so to speak. i quickly learnt that it was basically full of guys wanting to meet for sex. there was no way i was gunna do that. i was like, 16 years old, scared shitless, embarressed, self loathing, but couldnt stop logging on. i did eventually chat to some nice people though, who were also interested just in chatting, and not meeting up , and also managed to start chatting to some people in a similar situation to myself. i guess this made me feel a little less alone in the world. of course, i told them all i was bisexual, because this is what i had been convincing myself i was anyway. looking back of course i know that was a lie. so i made some net friends, some even from my local area. but i was too scared to ever meet any of them. some of them wanted to, not for sex but just to meet. i ust couldnt do it. it would make it so real. and then i got busted! when i was about 17 i decided to call one of them for the first time. he lived in my area. i had always used a fake name, but immeditely slipped up on the phone and gave him my real name. and then one day when we were chatting , he worked out exactly who i was, because it turned out he knew my mother!!!!
i had a panic attack at my computer. i hyperventilated. i felt sick. i wanted to kill myself. he had no idea what it was like for me at the other end of the computer. he swore he would never tell .
after this he really wanted to meet up, but i was still too scared. eventually he got sick of this, and we stopped chatting. i dont think he ever told anyone, well i hope not, cause its been 10 years now since this happened.
so by the time i was 19, and finsihed school, and ready to leave home for uni, the internet was still my only outlet for my gay life. i had still never met up with anyone, i was still a gay virgin. i decided to stop using the internet for gay things the minute i left home to move away for uni. perhaps i thought new life, new start. who knew what would happen next? i did not use the internet for gay purposes again for about 9 months, i think i started using it again in Sept 2001, i was 20 by then. my second phase of gay internet was very different, and ill talk about that another time.

famous gay rugby player comes out

ok i wont be talking about myself at all in this post, because something pretty significant (in my opinion)happened in the gay world today. stereotypically gays and sports dont go together. sometimes this is certaintly the case, but overall it is not the case. i mentioned before my love for sports, and i know of lot of gay guys who also love sport, either as a player or spectator. i mentioned that two of my main loves were rugby league and rugby union (yes they are two different sports for anyone reading this who is not from a rugby nation - although they are quite similar and players often change from one sport to the other ). everyone knows that both codes of rugby are very macho games, and homophobia is stereotypically rife . about 15 years ago a brave aussie man named Ian Roberts, at the time one of the highest profile and also respected players in rugby league, came out. this was a huge story not only in Australia, but around the world. Ian was still playing top level rugby league, and was one of (if not the first ) the first professional sportsmen in the world to come out whilst still playing. before him, a select few had come out well after retiring, mostly in america i believe, noone in australian sports had ever come out during or after their career. The response was overwelhmingly positive for Ian. Ian never named names, but admitted in a book he wrote that he knew of several other players who were gay. Given how well he was received, everyone thought there would be many following in his footsteps. To date no other major australian sports star has come out.
So today, rugby union legend Gareth Thomas, who is welsh , came out. Gareth is a welsh hero. he is one of their greatest ever players, and has played more games for Wales than any other player. for those that dont know, Rugby Union is also the national sport of Wales. Gareth , whilst past his prime at 35, is still actively playing in top league of welsh rugby. he is the first top level rugby union player, current or present, that i am aware of, to come out. good on him i say. i hope the support for him is positive, it seems to be so far. apparently his team all knows and support him 100%. the comments from fans ive read on some news websites have all been positive. hopefully others follow in his footsteps, and hopefully what he has done saves not only the minds, but the lives of many young and old gay men in the world who are struggling with their sexuality. good on you gareth!

leaving home & my first time with a guy

wow its a stunning day here in sydney. spent the morning at the beach, was so nice!

ok so i left home when i was 19. i went to a university about 5 hours away from home, which basically gave me a whole new start in life. it was very sad to leave my friends behind, but ive stayed good friends with most of the important ones. ive never regretted the decision to move away. if i hadnt moved away, i would probably still be closeted and in some dead end job, going to the same shitty pubs every weekend.. so i left home never having been with a guy, but that was all about to change . a few months after i moved i was in my local bar when this large group came in, they were obviously on a work conference. they all worked for American Express i found out later. so anyway one of them came and started chatting to me. he wasnt feminine or anything but i could just tell he was gay & interested. he was very very good looking. about 6 foot, blonde, hot body, about 28 years old (i had recently turned 20 i think)we chatted for a bit, and i lived literally 1 minute away so i invitied him to come see my place and to have a drink. i showed him my place, and then 2 minutes later we were kissing . my head was spinning, i had thought about this happening for a long long time, but to be honest i never thought it would actually happen. i loved every minute of it. we kissed for what seemed like hours, and took turns sucking each other. . it was so nice to feel and caress his body. after we finished he left very quickly. im oretty sure he had a boyfriend. i never saw or spoke to him again, but ive never forgotten him. any doubts about my sexuality were completely gone after this night. it was a few months before anything else happened with a guy, but it was the start of a long rollercoaster ride that is still rolling around today.

girls - my first time

im so glad the working week is over. im going to have a nice relaxing weekend, might go to the movies and see Avatar. ive heard its good. its my last free weekend for a while, cause of xmas and new years and shit coming up, a couple of weddings and birthdays too.

ok so i didnt get with a guy for the first time until i was 20. i will tell that story soon. So before that it was all girls. i never really wanted to sleep or even kiss girls, but i guess in my twisted mind at the time i was trying to prove to myself and everyone esle that i wasnt gay. i avoided sex with girls until i was 18, always made some excuse not to, although i reckon i pashed about 50-100 girls up to this point. mostly at parties and nightclubs and stuff.

one night me and my friend (ill call her tina) got really drunk, just after high school finished, in late 1999. i was staying the night at her place as she lived near the nightlife but i didnt, this was common. we drunk a shitload of alcohol, went out, and came home so very very wasted ,we could barely walk i think!. but anyway somehow we ended up kissing and then started oral sex and then fucking. i was absolutely awful at it, i could not keep a hard on, i think partially cause i was drunk, and partially cause i wasnt with a guy. i barely managed to perform for her, i could tell she thought it was awful too, the next day and then for about a week was really awkward , but then we just forgot it happened and went back to being friends. she was the first friend from school who knew i was gay, because about 2 years later we were chatting on MSN and she brought up that night, and asked if i was gay because even though she hadnt thought it before, my sexual performance had clued her on. i admitted i was, she was totally cool. we are still good friends although she lives far away so we mostly just keep in touch on facebook. she came to my dads funeral last year which was really nice of her.
so in the next couple of years i experimented a bit more with girls. always when i was drunk! i couldnt bear it sober. i didnt get any better at it. i never slept with any girl i knew well, and never more than once. sheer embarressment was the cause of this. i havnt slept with a girl since i was close to 20 years old . i nearly did when i was 21, but stopped halfway thru cause she told me she had her period. YUCK! this was during the crossover period when i started with guys.

if anyone is reading this did you have similar awkward hetero experiences? id love t0o hear about them,most gay guys i know have never slept with girls, or say they are bisexual and enjoy it.

high school friends

wow my head hurts a little today, i shouldnt have had so many beers last night! i wish i could call in sick today but there is so mich going on at work at the moment i cant

ok so more about high school and my high school friends. so as i said i changed schools at the start of year 9. the first year was tough, its never easy making new friends . especially when you have something else constantly on your mind. i made some friends who turned out to be assholes. then in year 10 i made some great friends. some of those people i am still best friends with today. some of them i have slowly told i was gay over the years. however there are still 2 of them that i havnt told. one was my best male friend. i dont see him much as he lives a fair way away from me now , but we talk on the phone reguarly. i was best man at his wedding 8 years ago. i dont know why ive managed to tell so many ppl, but i havnt been able to tell him. i think its because we basically became like brothers as teenagers. its not because hes male, because i have told many of my males friends that ive made since i started telling ppl. i do plan to tell him soon. im sick of avoiding the question he asks nearly everytime we speak ("so have you got a girlfriend yet!) there are other male friends from school who i havnt told either but over the years we have kinda grown apart so i dont think ill worry about them. i have told all my female friends from school, except for 1. im pretty sure that 1 knows, but we havnt spent much time together the last few years due to a huge fight we had about 7 years ago, we really only started being close again about 2 years ago but i dont see her much, just talk on phone. i wont be telling her over the phone. so anyway i guess my friends made high school bearable for me. i was very very good at hiding my sexuailty and how miserable i was about it. None of them had any clue. Ill talk more later about when i told them (first one when i was 20/21) and what happened. so to try and fit in and to try and convince myself i was straight (or at least bisexual) , high school and my late teens was busy trying to get with girls. whenever there was a party i would make sure i pashed on with girls in front of ppl. i actually had no problem with kissing girls, doesnt/didnt repulse me, just did zero for me sexually. i didnt have serious girlfriends, i always made sure that it never worked out. so in a nutshell myh later high school years were a very mixed bag. lots of fun times. but whenever i was home alone in my room away from my friends, i was mostly sad and depressed about being gay. i think i spent many of these hours convincing myself i was bisexual instead. being bisexual was much more bearable. lookinjg back now, i know that i was kidding myself.

time for work, write more tonight. bye for now!

a bit drunk

ok so i had dinner and beers with some friends tonight so im feeling a little bit drunk, i was gunna talk more about high school, but i finished high school 10 years ago so i need to be not drunk to write about it with a good memory. so just some more about me

i love sport. rugby league especially. i dont play anymore but follow my beloved parramatta eels religiously. i also like a lot of other sports, mainly rugby union, AFL, tennis, cricket and soccer.

i like socialising. im a social person. i like the odd beer or 10. i used to be really fit but i work too much these days so im not as fit anymore, although im not fat or anything.

people tell me im good looking. personally i dont think so, each to their own.

i live with my boyfriend. he is 27. he is hot. he is also not out to his parents, . the ppl that dont know about us think we are "flatmates" lol.

ok i need to sleep now. if i wake up early enough ill write more in the morning. thank fuck tomorrow is friday, im so sick of work this week.

depression and high school

From an outsiders view i probably appeared to be a normal teenager growing up. i did not let it show that i was dying inside. looking back im amazed i didnt hurt myself. i wanted too. ive never told anyone the true pain i felt for so many years. It probably started at about 14 when in my brain i knew that i was definitely 100% gay. But i just wanted it to go away. i would sit in my room for hours wondering how i could get it to go away. i kept convincing myself i was maybe bisexual, not gay. i think for a long time i actually believed it. i know now i was just kidding myself. early high school from ages 12-14 was not a great time for me. i was struggling with myself . my parents had just divorced, after splitting up when i was 11. i had trouble making new friends when it began, my only real friends were the same kids i had been to primary school with. I was obsessed with my english teacher and fantasised about him every day. wanting him so bad but knowing i would probably never have him was painful. i went to the shitty local high school where the education quailty was not great. to be honest most of the kids were losers. my mum was not happy with the school. i had been selected to go to a very nice school further away for smart kids, but i didnt want to be a nerd so i refused to go. i wasnt really a nerd, i was just intelligent for my age i guess. noone really thought of me as a nerd i think, probably because i played a lot of sport and was good at sport. so anyway after 2 years my mum wanted to send me to another school , a bit further away from home , but with a much better reputation. i agreed to go , i didnt even tell my friends i was leaving and just began a new school year in year 9 at a new school when i was 14/15ish. the new school was great at first, i made some fantastic new friends , i was away from the hottie english teacher and started thinking about him a bit less. but then things started to change. i guess despression just overtook me. i didnt really know anything about depression i think. but i could not stop thinking about my sexuality and how i could stop it from existing . i tried dating girls, mostly unsuccessfully, as i could never really get interested much in them. i met this one girl one school holidays when i was about 15. she was a total hottie 10/10 girl, and we spent 2 weeks pashing non stop. it never went any further tho im sure she wanted to, i never let it. she lived a few hours away so i didnt see her during school term .we "went out" until the next school holidays, but by then the passion had gone and we "broke up" . she was my first girlfriend tho, and she was the first in a long line of girls i used to try and hide my sexuailty from the world. i was also trying to be like all the other kids, and be straight. as long i was with girls, in my mind i think i was convincing myself i wasnt a fag.

shit i gotta go to work, and will write more tonight

me and my life today

ok so before i talk more about my past i thought id write a little bit about myself in the present. im a mostly happy person. i have great friends, a great social life, im finally pretty comfortable with who i am and have completely accepted my sexuailty and know now that it can never change, and there will never be a magic straight pill that i so wished would be invented for many years. i have a great boyfriend of 6 years who ill talk about more in another post. i have a decent job here in sydney and live comfortably. im probably happier than i ever thought i would be. would i change much about my life? well id love to be a billionaire but who wouldnt. i guess my only real issue now is the title of this blog - the issue of coming out to my family. christmas is next week. maybe ill tell them? probably not, i think about it every year though

why havnt i told my family

ok so i havnt told a single member of my family im gay. not my mum, no siblings, not even a cousin. everytime i talk about it with a friend who doesnt know anything about my family , they all say " oh you should just tell them, they wont care" . i really hate that, it doesnt always work out that way for everyone.
so i guess the main reasons i have never told my family are because of where i grew up (a small country town) and because of my dad. my dad was head of my family and the most influential person in my family. he really was a great guy, but extremely homophobic, and all my life was never shy in verbalising his feelings on this. my dad was also my best friend. sure he had flaws, but he really was a top guy. he died 2 years ago. i thought after he died i might find it easier to come out, but its not changed my feelings on the matter after all. i remember growing up he would always talk about how "poofs should be drowned" and he would often say things like"you can do whatever u want with ur life - as long as your not gay!" this was not joking, he was serious. everyone knew his feelings on homosexuality. he always said his hatred stemmed from when he was younger and living in sydney they would always try to hit on him, and he found them girly and repulsive. he was a true believer of the stereotype i guess. so my mum and siblings as far as i know are not as extreme in their attitudes as my dad was, however as i said we are from a country town,where being gay just isnt an option. there is so much more to this than what ive written but this will have to do for now as ive gotta go to work! bye for now

when did i realise i was gay

one of the first questions any gay person ever gets asked when they tell someone they are gay is "when did you realise you were gay" . i really really hate that question. i usually answer with "when did you realise you were straight?" they always say fair enough!!!
the truth is, i really dont know. i think my first crush was when i was about 10 years old, on a boy in my class. at the time i dont think it clicked it my brain that this was a sexual crush or that i was gay, but i remember thinking he was very good looking and wanted him to be my best friend. i remember when i was about 12 , thinking about who the good looking guys are in school. but i really think i had begun to realise when i was 12/13 and started high school. i was totally in love with my english teacher. he was about 30, ridiculously good looking with a hot body. i fantasised about him every day, and i think when i first learned how to jerk off at about the same age, he was all i thought about for a very, very long time. i still think about him sometime to this day, even though he would now be about 45 and i havnt seen him for about 13 years. so i knew 100% by this point. however this was the beginning of a 7/8 year period of trying to deny what i knew and convincing myself i was not really gay. this really fucked with my head for a long long time.
im enjoying writing this but am very tired and have to wake up for work in 8 hours so im going to bed now. will write more tomorrow.

first post

ok so ive never blogged before and really have no idea what i am doing... basically i have felt a very strong urge to write about myself and my feelings for a long time and after hearing about blogspot decided to try this. im not sure how many ppl or if even anyone will read this, if you are reading this, thanks for taking the time and i hope i dont bore you!

so basically im a 28yo guy from sydney australia . im gay and my family have no idea, but slowly over the years ive come out to most of my friends and some ppl i work with. I think ive known i was gay since puberty began so this has been a very slow process, i have never had the guts to go the whole way and completely come out. Noone that i havnt specifically told suspects my sexuality as i guess im quite masculine and dont fit the stereotype that people believe exists for gays. so basically what i intend to write about here is my story through the periods of my life, my story today , my feelings, my family and friends, and my ups and downs over the years. I dont think anyone can understand what a closeted gay guy goes through growing up unless they have been through it themselves. im writing this for myself and not for anyone else, but if someone does read this my hope is that they are some poor young guy who is struggling with their sexuality who can read this and know they are not alone in the world. when i was 17 (1998)i dont recall anything like this on the internet, my only outlet was gay chat rooms where dirty old men wanted to meet u for sex. this turned me off anything related to homosexuality on the net for a long time, i didnt look again til i was about 20/21 and the internet had grown a lot by then so there was a lot more around, and thats when my "gay" life started, before this i was still totally closeted and had only been with girls. ok so i think ive rambled enough for now and will write more soon.

cheers

John