depression and high school

From an outsiders view i probably appeared to be a normal teenager growing up. i did not let it show that i was dying inside. looking back im amazed i didnt hurt myself. i wanted too. ive never told anyone the true pain i felt for so many years. It probably started at about 14 when in my brain i knew that i was definitely 100% gay. But i just wanted it to go away. i would sit in my room for hours wondering how i could get it to go away. i kept convincing myself i was maybe bisexual, not gay. i think for a long time i actually believed it. i know now i was just kidding myself. early high school from ages 12-14 was not a great time for me. i was struggling with myself . my parents had just divorced, after splitting up when i was 11. i had trouble making new friends when it began, my only real friends were the same kids i had been to primary school with. I was obsessed with my english teacher and fantasised about him every day. wanting him so bad but knowing i would probably never have him was painful. i went to the shitty local high school where the education quailty was not great. to be honest most of the kids were losers. my mum was not happy with the school. i had been selected to go to a very nice school further away for smart kids, but i didnt want to be a nerd so i refused to go. i wasnt really a nerd, i was just intelligent for my age i guess. noone really thought of me as a nerd i think, probably because i played a lot of sport and was good at sport. so anyway after 2 years my mum wanted to send me to another school , a bit further away from home , but with a much better reputation. i agreed to go , i didnt even tell my friends i was leaving and just began a new school year in year 9 at a new school when i was 14/15ish. the new school was great at first, i made some fantastic new friends , i was away from the hottie english teacher and started thinking about him a bit less. but then things started to change. i guess despression just overtook me. i didnt really know anything about depression i think. but i could not stop thinking about my sexuality and how i could stop it from existing . i tried dating girls, mostly unsuccessfully, as i could never really get interested much in them. i met this one girl one school holidays when i was about 15. she was a total hottie 10/10 girl, and we spent 2 weeks pashing non stop. it never went any further tho im sure she wanted to, i never let it. she lived a few hours away so i didnt see her during school term .we "went out" until the next school holidays, but by then the passion had gone and we "broke up" . she was my first girlfriend tho, and she was the first in a long line of girls i used to try and hide my sexuailty from the world. i was also trying to be like all the other kids, and be straight. as long i was with girls, in my mind i think i was convincing myself i wasnt a fag.

shit i gotta go to work, and will write more tonight