It's all falling into place

I cant believe it. i really am moving to Canada. Ive officially applied for my Visa. should hear back in a few weeks. then will book some flights and accomodation. and off i go! im going to do a bit of travel in the US beforehand. LA and Vegas to start with, ive been both places before and loved them both so much i cant wait to go again. Cant wait to have a beer at The abbey West Hollywood, my favorite bar in LA. Then going somewhere ive never been, Chicago then New York. Then off to Toronto to start a new exciting adventure. am planning other trips to Vancouver to visit a good friend, Florida for some sunshine, and Mexico for some.. well more sunshine.
Im so bloody excited. and cant wait to quit my job. Im working way too hard, i barely get time to log onto blogger anymore.
I dont know when ill be back in Australia. I have 1 burning question. Do i come out to the rest of my family before i leave? I cant decide. I prolly wont see most of em til Xmas. Is coming out an Xmas a good idea? i dunno what im gunna do. More thinking required i think.

Im moving to Canada

Ive mentioned a few times my passion for travel. ive wanted to do a working holiday for years, and have decided its time. Ill be 30 next year and have always wanted to do it before then. Ive travelled the world but never lived overseas. As an Aussie there a few easy Working Visa options, the easiest being places like Canada or the UK. Id love to actually do it in the US, but the Visa is so hard to get i cant be bothered. I have decided, as has my bf, that we are going to do a 2 year working holiday in Canada. We are still deciding which city to live in, but at this stage we are thinking Toronto, due to its close location to the East coast USA, which we want to travel around. We have already travelled West coast USA already. I know everyone says Vancouver is the best city in Canada, but its really too far away from the area i want to be. So its probably going to be a few months before it happens. And theres gunna be a lotta shit to organise to make this happen. But im determined to do it. The Visa is for 2 years. My plan is to get there, get a job soonish, but not in any rush, hopefullly a monday-friday job, so that we can travel around on weekends. Cant wait to fly off to places like New York, Chicago, Boston etc for weekends.
Well thats my exciting news for now, ill post more about it as plans develop. The main stumbling block atm is what to do with my pussy cat, i will miss him but hopefully find a friend or family member to look after him until i return

Election day

Good morning
Its Saturday Aug 21 here, time for me to vote in our national election. I have decided to vote for the Labor party under Julia Gillard. I was tempted to vote for the green party, who are supporting gay rights, and look like getting a huge vote , maybe over 10% , but decided that Julia needs every vote she can get, because otherwise the ultra conservative opposition leader Tony Abbott might win, which will be a disaster for this country. Its been a shitty campaign, both sides have been pretty negative and uninspiring, but I always have and always will vote for a left leaning party, whether it be Labor or the Greens. I just hope the rest of the country feels the same. Tony Abbott is a homophobe and must be stopped!

in other news, i came out to my someone important the other day. my dads ex who he dated for 10 years. we stayed good friends after dad died, and are very close. ive thought about telling her for ages, and as i thought , she was very supportive. to my surprise she said she had absolutely no idea, i thought she may have suspected because she often asks how my "flatmate" is, but she really really did think we were just flatmates.

so next step i think will be my mum, just not sure when, i might not see her til christmas and dont want to do it then, so maybe early next year. one step at a time!

i need another holiday

the topic is very self explanatory. i went on a 6 week holiday only 7 months ago, but im just not satisfied. im obsessed actually. i want to travel so much it hurts. i think ive mentioned my travel passion before. ive been to the UK ,North america, South america , Malaysia, New Zealand, some pacific islands, and all round my own country too. but there are several dilemmas in the way of my future travel plans
1. the bf doesnt want to travel anymore. he wants to save for a house. very sensibile, grown up, and probably the right thing to do. but how fucking boring.
2. ive only just started a new job. its gunna take me at least 12-18months to build up enough leave entitlement to take a decent holiday.
3. where to go. i have no fucking idea. there are so many cool places in the world im dying to visit, but i dunno where to go next. my first choice is mainlandeurope. but if we do go travelling again, the bf would prefer to go back to the US and do the east coast (we did west coast last time)
4. money. im not poor, nor rich, but i have a decent job and some savings, but when i go on holidays, i like to live it up. no hostels for me. i like 4-5 star hotels thanks. and no dodgy airlines. another big holiday would probably wipe out my savings.

so it looks like im going nowhere fast. but knowing this doesnt stop my obsession. whenever i get bored at work, the first thing i do: google holiday ideas. sometimes for hours on end (yes i still get some work done too) . i think for now i might just need to book a weekend away somewhere. that will keep me happy for a little while.

Gillard says no to gay marriage and my views

After a whirlwind ffirst few days as the new leader of our country , someone finally asked our new PM Julia Gillard if she or her party will support gay marriage with her as PM. She said no, which is not a surprise as she has expressed this view before. Im not disapointed in this as she is still the most gay friendly PM we have had, and i still believe she could change her stance on this, but only if there is enough public and politicial support. She stated she believed the Australian community is just not ready for gay marriage yet. Five years ago she was probably right, but recent opinion polls suggest 60% of aussies now support it, as opposed to 38% only 5 years ago. So the support for it is increasing year by year, and i do think its only a matter of time before it happens, assuming of course the Liberal party does not get re-elected anytime soon.
So what do i think of gay marriage? Personally, its not a huge issue for myself, because i dont think i would get married even if it was legal. My partner and i are very happy with things as they are and dont need some ceremony or certificate to prove anything. But i do wish it to be legalized, because i believe we should have the same rights as straight people in all things, and the choice to get married if we want it.

political upheaval

Well it been a massive day here in Australia. Imagine in the US if Barack Obama was told by the Democrat party that they no longer want him to be president , and they want Joe Biden to replace him effective immediately. Well, thats what happened here today. Today, Kevin Rudd, of the Labor Party, our Prime Minister for the last 2.5 years, resigned as PM , and was replaced by the Deputy PM, Julia Gillard, who has now become our first female PM.
Im not too sure what to think about this. I dont like the way that its happened. But im a Labor party voter, and always will be.
in November 2007, after 11 years of awfulness under the Liberal Party led by conservative dickface John Howard, Kevin Rudd swept to power in an electoral landslide, similar to what Obama achieved in the US after 8 years of Bush.
Unfortunately Rudd's mega high popularity of the last 2 years has nosedived in the last 6 months. with the next election due to be held sometime later this year, the Labor party felt that had no choice but to replace him. I think they panicked, and i think he still would have won the next election. When it comes down to it, i dont think ppl will vote for the oppoisition, lead by the psychotic twit , Tony abbott.
I think its great that we have a woman as PM, but its pointless if she cant do the job. Hopefully she can. If the liberal party under Abbott somehow wins the next election, the gay rights here will take another backward step. Rudd has been pretty good for gay rights, he has pretty much given equal everything except marriage/adoption/IVF. Gillard shares the same views on gay rights as he does. I even believe she could be convinced to allow a vote on gay marriage, which the majority of australians now support, as do a lot of labor party members.
Tony Abbots response to homosexuals is that " he finds them a bit threatening" . hes an ignorant, extremely right wing douchebag. just like his predecessor, the dis-honourable John Howard, who not only did not progress gay rights during his reign, he actually regressed them , whilst the rest of the world was doing otherwise.
If Abbott wins, i think ill leave the country. seriously. so go Julia. Our first female PM.

gay jokes... to laugh or not

ok i have a pretty good sense of humour i think
i have no problem at all with gay jokes generally, as long as theyre funny or dont overly ridicule us , or they come from another gay person or a close friend.
i was in a social situation the other day where i got told a gay joke by someone who doesnt know about me, and i also dont know them very well. the joke was told after australia got walloped 4-0 by germany in the soccer world cup.
the joke was about a little boy in class whos teacher asked him what his daddy does. the little boy replied his daddy was gay and strips in gay bars and sleeps with men for money. after class the teacher asked him if that was true, to which the little boy replied "no, he plays soccer for australia, but i was too embarresed to tell the truth"

ok its kinda funny really, if ur american i guess replace "australian soccer team" with something like "new jersey nets" , and it might be kinda funny to you as well.what does anyone else think? not just about this joke but gay jokes generally?
i really didnt like it at the time, coming from a straight person whom i dont know very well.
its like a white person telling a racist joke to a black person i reckon.



besides that , things r ok, no big news :)

telling more ppl

hey guys! found a spare couple of hours to do a post. ive also been catching up on a few of my favorite blogs for the last hour. congrats to Taylor - taylor has a great blog http://cirrusflyer.blogspot.com/ that ive been following since he started it, and his progress over the last few months has been amazing, and he came out to his best friend the other night and it went well for him.
also welcome back ethan! im glad things r getting better for u and ur back posting.

so whats been happening with me? well still busy working off course. havnt had much of a life lately but i got a free day today, and im going to a party tonight with some friends.
im catching up with my brothers again soon and im trying to decide if i should tell another brother. i guess it will depend on how drunk i get? haha. im not going to put any pressure on myself, because im pretty happy with things as they r right now. i know that eventually i need to go beyond telling just 1 brother, but there is no rush .
anyway i havnt decided and im still 50/50 , its a couple of weeks before i see them so i still have time to think it through.

my mum had more surgery last week, and she is doing lot better. her condition (its a kidney problem)may still cause her problems in the future but for now she will be ok which is great!

so anyway its 5pm on a saturday here and i need to go make myself look good for tonight
take care everyone!
john

so damn busy

Hey guys

im so busy lately with the new job that ive barely had a chance to get online let alone write a decent post. hopefully it all settles down soon. im workin some crazy hours, but i need to put in the hard yards now, because if i work had in this job, the promotion oppurtunites that will be there for me in the next 1-2 years will be unlimited.



meanwhile, not much exciting has happened in my life. my mum is having an operation this week which will hopefully fix her health problems, at least in the short term. I havnt spoken with my brother since last time, but im not worried about that anymore.



so yeah, not much else to report on for now really, hopefully ill have something more interesting to write next time i get a chance to log on.

take care everyone

hot hot boss!!!

so i recently started a new job, and of course have a new boss.
when i met him, my eyes nearly fell out of my head.
he is about 26ish. lebansese descent. stunning hazel eyes. absoultely stunning face. clearly toned body. basically: the hottest boss one could wish for.
i keep trying not to stare at him, but finding it very difficult. i dont know anyone well yet, so havnt disclosed my sexuality to anyone.
so anyways, i decided to look up my new boss on facebook. not only does he have a profile, we even have a mutual friend. his profile was not private so i could see all his pics. i know its kinda stalkerish, but what else is facebook for?
so went thru all his pics. he has his shirt off in about half of them. oh my, what a friggin body.
i cant see myself gettin much work done in this job.
but i have no complaints. eye candy defintelty makes work more fun!

caught up with my bro!!!

ok so i decided to bite the bullet, i msgd my brother this morning asking him to dinner & a game of pool tonight (thursday australia time). he said yes and we met up and everything was just normal., we chatted as if nothing had happened. we had dinner, then went and got a pool table and had a few games of pool and a few beers. i wasnt sure if i should bring up the "outing" so i kept quiet about it, i was basically just relieved to see he was acting totally normal around me. so eventually he brought it up himself, which pleaseantly surprised me. he said "well u kinda shocked me the other week" i was like yeah, i shocked myself by the fact i actually came out to you! he basically reiterated that when he comes down to it, he really couldnt give a fuck either way, as long as i was happy. he asked about my bf. it was kinda funny, he couldnt seem to say the actual word "boyfriend" so instead he said... "i would like to meet your..... mate"
i said id love him too, so looks like they will be meeting soon. theyve actually met once before, but only briefly at my fathers funeral, where my bf was only introduced as my "flatmate".
he asked what i intended to do regarding telling the rest of the fam. i said i wasnt sure, which is completely true, he said he will support me no matter what but doesnt think i need to rush into anything, which i agree with of course.
so basically, it is really really all good with my bro, and i couldnt be happier about that!!!

well im off for a weekend away , im off to the great australian city of melbourne for 3 days (melbourne is seriously awesome, i know everyone overseas hears all about sydney, which is awesome too, but melbourne is just so much fun) thanks to my regular commenters for ur support, i cant say how much it means to log in and see ur supportive messages!!! xox see u all soon

O Brother, Where art thou?

so i havnt heard from my brother since he sent that sms the day after i came out to him. its not extremely unusual as we do go for long periods without talking, but i thought he woulda contacted me by now to catch up again and maybe follow up on our discussion. i might be being a bit paranoid, but im worried that hes been thinking about it and is now avoiding me. im thinking of texting him tomorrow and seeing if he wants to catch up later this week. i wanted him to contact me first to ask me to do something, but if he doesnt then i guess ill make the first move. if he says he cant make it, then ill know somethings up!!!
i think ive satisfied my "coming out" desire for now, i dont feel ready to tell anyone else yet. i know for most ppl once they tell 1 fam member, they usually tell the rest or at least some more, but thats just not me, as my story over the last few years shows, this is a slow process for me, but im getting there, and eventually will make it the whole way im sure.

in other news my mum is still very ill so im still a bit worried, hopefully she starts getting better soon, the longer shes ill the more worried i am!!

ive decided to keep blogging permanently for now, although with everything thats going on (ive also just started a new job!!) ill probably only have time for 1-2 posts per week. it just feels too good to get these thoughts and feelings out every now and then, its kinda soothing .

lest we forget

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.
Lest we forget.

Yesterday was ANZAC day here in australia, our day of rememberance for our war veterans and armed forces. both my grandfathers were WWII vets, one has passed on now, the other still marches in the sydney parade every year, even though hes well into his 80's. one of my brothers marches proudly for my other grandfather, as they were very close. i go in every year to watch the parade, and cheer on the ppl who sacrificed so much for the great country of australia. and of course, as is the other anzac day tradition, after a morning of sombre rememberance, plenty of beer is to be drunk in the afternoon.
it was also a good day for me to reflect on what really matters in this world. i also thought about why i originally started this blog. it was for me, and for me alone. as an outlet for my thoughts. as a way to tell my story. although im still really really angry about the whole mikey thing, ive decided its time to move on. there are still many unanswered questions about the whole thing, but im guessing there are some questions that just will never be answered, and i want to focus on the real things in life.
even though i came out to my brother after being inspiried by mikeys story, it was still my decision to do so, and i dont regret that.
everything we do in life has a consequence, so im going to go out and live the best one i can.

fuck you, "mikey"

fuck you "mikey" and your fucking lies
for those of you who havnt seen yet, "mikey" the gay hockey player from minnesota, is a fraud
i am so fucking angry, and pissed off that noone has explained fully why/how someone would do this, and who this arsehole really is. this guy inspired most of the blogs that i love, including mine. his post a few weeks ago about how he came out to this younger brother was a major inspiritation in me coming out to my own brother/ and it was a fucking lie!!!!!!
he went as far as to make up brothers. friends. best friends. dogs. parents. hockey games. went asd far as to pretend his best friend was "commenting" on his posts, and even had people asking his best friend questions, and he then replied with answers from this best friend!!!
me and this "kid" also emailed each other back and forth quite a few times, turns out i was emailing some dirty old fucker who was probably laughing every time.
now that this is all exposed, i can reveal another reason why i cracked the shits and stopped blogging. i suspect this is the not the only fake blog out there. i had been emailing back and forth with this other blogger for a couple of months, and something just didnt seem to click right. i began to believe that this person was a fake, but i have absolutely no proof, so i wont reveal which blog i think it is, but it made me realise that ppl arnt always what they seem to be.
to be honest in the past i did suspect the mikey blog was fake, however had become 100% convinced it wasnt . turns out everything was just an elaborate hoax, and i will not believe anything on this blogworld again. at least i know that one person is honest and themselves on here - me. its pretty much impossible to trust anyone else ever again on here

my brother still loves me

hey guys
just an update following on from yesterdays post. so i have some good news. my mum had a major operation today and apparently it went well which is great. she should be out of hospital soon, however the medical issue is recurring ,so then just have to hope she can stay healthy for as long as possible. im nowhere near as worried about her as i was, which is a good feeling.

so when i woke up today i sent my brother a text saying thanks for last night. his response pretty much made me cry.

"love u man. yr my bro!! will not breathe a word not even to G. well done to u tho must be tough with telling some people. i think youd be surprised how most people would react. some would be idiots about it, but forget them."

G is his wife, who i have no probolems with but shes not an immediate relative, so id prefer she be one of the last to know. everyone i tell, i want it to come from my mouth. not from someone else. and my siblings and my mum r the ones who need to be told first. ive never heard any of my silblings tell any of them that they loved them, and for him to say last night and then via text this morning that he loves me really makes me feel so much better. there is stil a lot we need to talk about, because as i said, his reaction wasnt completely positive. i tried to tell him about my bf, but he seemed to not want to know anything about it really. but now that he knows, i want him to know everything, and i want him to understand that this wasnt my choice but its just who i am, and after years of turmoil im finally realising that i want to live a happy life the way i am, and eventually i want that to be with the complete support of my family. i want to one day take my bf to a family event, and not pretend he is my flatmate. hell, maybe one day if they ever legalize it here, i might want to get married, and have them all there. these r things that i think about a lot.

so i have 3 more siblings to tell, and my mum of course. i wont be saying anything to mum tho until she is healthy,she doesnt need any stress right now!!!

im not in any rush to tell any of them right now actually. coming out to one of them was the hugest step ive ever taken, and its taken me all these years to finally get the guts to do it. one thing ive learnt thru this whole thing is ive got to do this at my own pace. its defintely a snails pace, but slow and steady wins the race i reckon.

the other thing is, as per usual when i come out to someone, i ws very drunk. it seems to be the only way i can bring myself to say the words. my mum and i dont exactly go drinking together, so when i tell her its gunna be a totally different kettle of fish. a few years ago i found out mum used to smoke a bit of pot occasionaly (only a couple of times as an adult, so mostly when she was a teenager, after all she did grow up in the late 60,s!), maybe when shes better i should get stoned with her and do it that way? haha. seriously tho, its going to be so hard, but its something i really want to do. i just cant live the lie anymore.

back for a quick, important update

hey guys
sorry i had to depart so suddenly
things arnt great with my life atm, my mum is very ill. ive barely had time to log online.
ive already lost my father recently and i couldnt bear to lose her now
i need to focus attention elsewhere and have a lot of other stuff happening too.
but i had to do a post, because with everything thats going on (other things too) i made a very rash decision that i had to write about.
i caught up with one of my brothers today (i have 3) who i dont see to often, mostly due to geographical reasons (australia is a big country!)
we went out for a few drinks and got fairly drunk. he was going on and on about trying to meet a girl, and something inside me just snapped. i just blurted out to him that i was gay.
the reaction was mixed. the first thing he said was , he kinda suspected, and he loves me regardless. he said he will support me 100%. what he didnt understand however, was that me being gay was not a choice. he kept asking why i chose that life for myself, and i kept trying to explain with not much success that i did not choose it, nor would i ever.
we left things on drunken terms.
i hope to hear from him tomorrow for a sober reaction. he promised not to tell anyone else in the family
its the biggest step ive ever taken coming out
im not quite sure how i feel. im glad i wasnt rejected, which is how i thought i would be treated for so many years.
im glad he promised to support me no matter what, but im a little upset that he didnt understand that me being gay wasnt a choice.
he also recommended i keep it quiet from other family members for the moment, because he wasnt sure if some others would take it so well
to be honest im sitting here in complete shock that i actually came out to a family member
i dont know what to feel or think right now, but there is a little part of me that feels a slight weight has been lifted. in the words of neil armstrong, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

ill try to do a follow up post soon, thanks for understanding about my recent absence,

goodbye

hi everyone
just letting you know i wont be blogging anymore. dont really wanna talk about why tho sorry
thanks to everyone for reading and especially those who commented and emailed me
i wish u all well
cheers
john

pflag

last night i was flickn thru some channels, and stumbled upon some documentary about an organisation called PFLAG. it stands for Parents & Friends of Lesbians And Gays. i had heard of the organisation b4, but to be completely honest i had never really known what the letters stood for or knew what they actually did. so they interviews all these parents from the sydney branch of PFLAG. every one of these parents was so proud of their children. they told how their children came out, what their reactions were, how they feel now, and how being part of PFLAG has helped them so much. they meet once a month as a kinda support group thing. makes me wonder if my mum would link up with some organisation like that if/when i come out to her. these parents really made my heart warm. one of the parents was a very masculine elderly man whos son was a drag queen. he was so proud of his son anyway that it nearly made me cry. one woman whos son was on the cover of a gay magazine talked about how proud she was when she saw it. if i ever come out to my mum, i guess i hope she is like one of these parents that i saw.

threesomes and monogamy

theres a bit of a stereotypical view among larger society that gay ppl are mostly non-monogamous sex maniacs, sleeping with whoever they can all the time. no doubt, there are a lot of gay ppl like that, but i know of plenty of straight ppl who r exactly the same, and plenty of monogamous gay couples.
myself, i consider myself to be completely mongamous whilst in a relationship, i have never cheated on my bf.
but one time my bf and i had a 3some. it was completely by accident. this is a honest to god true story.
it was about 4 years ago. we were walking home one saturday night after a few drinks out, and we walked past a straight bar near our place at the time. somehow we randomly started chatting to some guy who was out the front. he was very good looking and well built. i dont know how it came up, but we mentioned we were a gay couple. he said he was straight, but proceeded to tell us how big his dick was. about 11 inches he reckoned. of course, we did not believe him. he then took our hands, and put them on his crotch to have a feel. well, even thru the jeans, u could tell it was massive. he then asked if he could come back to our place for a drink. so he did.
so after a couple of drinks, things started getting a bit sexual. he took out his cock. me and my bf 's eyes seriously nearly popped out of our heads. he really wasnt lying. it was the biggest cock i had ever seen. so things really developed from here, we started taking turns fondling each other, then having 3 way kisses and then somehow ended up in bed together. my bf and i took turns sucking that beautiful, enormous thing. im not really a size queen, but it really was amazing. and a challenge, it was impossible to suck it like you normally would. but boy did we have fun trying.
after a lot of sexual play for prolly an hour, he asked if he could fuck one of us. well i said there was no way in hell that thing was going up my arse! my bf however decided he wanted to give it a go. well he tried and tried, and eventually they made some slow progress. it clearly wasnt going in too far tho. because i was just watching now, i started to feel a bit left out , and i left them for a few mins for some air. i came back after about 5-10 mins and they were still going for it, but really struggling due to the size of his cock. i decided i wanted it to end now, as fun as it had been i didnt want to continue anymore, the jealous bug in me was biting. so i spoke with my bf and we asked him to leave. he wasnt very happy about that, he said he wanted to cum first, but i really wanted him out of there, so he unhappily did leave.
we never saw him again, and did not even remember his name. even tho he claimed to be straight, i highly doubt it, given what had happened. and it was defintly not his first time. and in my experience, the real "straight" ones that just experiment dont generally like to kiss, whereas this guy was very into it. but he defintly gave us an interesting night. and i learnt that 3somes with my bf, whilst they could be fun, were defintely not really my thing, and we havnt done one since

im never drinking again

oh jesus, i have the worlds worst hangover today. its saturday night now, im starting to recover a bit finally
i had a pretty big event last night, with free booze
free booze should be banned !!!!
im not an alcoholic or anything, i only drink on weekends sometimes and social events etc, and usally control myself quite well
last night i fully lost control, i started drinking at about 3pm and didnt finish until about 1am
everything is a bit blurry after about 9pm i think
anyway i learnt a valuable lesson: do not log onto the net when drunk
one poor friend who i talk to from blogger, who i wont mention, copped an email that had words spelt like this
fvjedoegjerogjeogjg
ok slight exxageration, but i have no idea what i actully tried to write. sorry to my friend!
and some poor friends of mine in my real life, on facebook got some very poorly spelt posts on their walls. thank god those can be deleted !
ok im crawling back into my rock for now
when i log on tomorrow i have a much more interesting post to write

my fingernail theory

further to my previous post, lydia lassila won the gold medal today. i am PSYHCIC! haha. this makes it australias best winter olympics ever. aussie aussie aussie!!

so i have this theory. you can tell if a guy is gay if they have really fast growing fingernails
my theory started when i realised my fingernails grew so much faster than any other guys i knew. so when i made some gay friends, i found out all their fingernails grew fast too. everyone i have tested my theory on seems verify im not crazy . id love to hear if anyhone else here can back up my theory. or disprove it lol

winter olympics

moving away from gay topics for a post. ive been watching a lot of the winter olympics. ive talked many times about my love for sports, and the first blog i ever read was Mikey the hockey kids, im sure everyone knows his blog. well i watched my first every full game of ice hockey yesterday, canada V USA. i have to say i absolutely loved it!!. australia isnt known for its winter olympic exploits, given that we mostly a land of sun and surf, and we do not have many snowfields , this isnt a surprise. but weve won gold medals at each of the last few games and do have a few good athletes in them these days. Torah Bright is an aussie snowboarder who won gold the other day, in an event the americans have always dominated, pretty amazing effort. we should hopefully win another gold in the womans aeriels skiing on thursday, which is prolly the only winter sport aussies have dominated for the last 20 years, cause they used to get the ex-gymnasts as teenagers and retrain them as aeriel skiiers , an idea the rest of the world has now copied , so the chinese are now big threats. Unfortunately 37yo Jacqui Cooper, who has won something like 24 world cup events and 5 world championships, has a habit of choking at the olympics, shes never even won a medal, another girl Alisa camplin has won gold and bronze, but shes retired now. so hopefully Jacque comes good this time. theres also 2 other aussie girls in the final, and one of them is Lydia Lassila, the favorite. she crashed out at the last olympics and destroyed her knee, had to have it reconstructed. hopefully one of them wins. aussie aussie aussie oi oi oi

this is just for me

ive had a couple of ppl ask what my bf thinks of the blog, well he doesnt know about it, i decided to write this for my own reasons and its a private thing i feel. i dont usually hide things from him but i want this to be my own thing, if i knew he was readin it, or if anyone i knew was readin it for that matter, i dont think i would write things the way i do as i would be thinking constantly about what this person will think of it, and be thinking about their reaction. by keeping it completely anonymous, i feel the freedom to be completely honest and open . i hope that makes sense

another baby

so my brother just rang me, i have another niece. this makes it niece/nephew number 4,000,000 . ok im exxagareting, but seriously my siblings are breeding machines. i have 4 siblings and they all have kids. 1 of them even has 4 kids!!!! so obviously im the only kid of the family without children of his own. im very happy for them all whenever they pop out the next one. but i have to admit i get supremely jealous and a bit depressed every time. im not sure i even want kids, but its just shitty to think of the normal happy lives they got to lead, breeding whenever they want, carrying on the family name, whilst im the one that got stuck with the gay gene, unable to procreate with a woman. i know its selfish of me to think like that in such a happy time for them, but i cant help it. i really am happy for them, and i love all my nieces and nephews. it just sucks a bit folr me. i cant really explain it much more than that

mardi gras

sorry havnt posted for a while but i went away for a couple of days .
so something interesting happened today, one of my brothers rang me and asked me if i want to go to mardi gras with him. im like, wtf? i panicked cuz i thought he must know about me and this was his way of maybe trying to show support. but then he said he met this girl and she invited him, so he was just askin me so i could meet her. i have plans that night so just told him the truth, that i already had a birthday party to attend, and that was the end of an awkward conversation.
for anyone who hasnt heard of, mardi gras is an annual gay pride in sydney, supposedly its the biggest in the world. it started in the 1970's as a gay rights protest, and on the first one it turned violent cuz the police tried to arrest them all. these days its a popularly supported event, and heaps of police even march in it, in uniform. they always get the loudest cheer now. its worth millions to the sydney economy, and depending on the weather has been known to attract millions into sydney to line the streets and watch. not just gay ppl, theres probly more straight ppl that go these days.
i dont really like to go, mostly because the city is a nightmare to travel in and out of that night, but i went once and it wasnt really for me. being gay i support all gay rights of course, but it seems to have become less about gay rights and more about really feminine guys prancing and dancing up the street, perpetuating the sterotype that all gays are girly.
i honestly dont have anything against feminine gay guys , whilst its not really for me, i do believe everyone should have the right to be themselves.. but it really irks me that so many ppl believe that all gay ppl must be like the sterotype, and i dont see that stereotype changing when ppl see what they see at this parade.
i do hope the event goes well every year tho, because it has done more for gay rights in australia in the past than any other event has. and every year a bunch of right wing religious wankers get together and pray for it to rain on the parade. fucking morons, i hate them. it has rained on the parade a couple of times over the years, but february is statistically sydneys wettest month, so i doubt its god doing it. usually the weather is good, so they dont get much to cheer about. p.s i hate religious extremists with a passion.

my parents divorce part 2

so me and mum moved into our new place. the first few nights mum cried a lot and didnt want to sleep alone and asked me to sleep in her bed. i did, even tho i was angry, until she felt well enough to sleep alone. we still hadnt discussed her affair. but as soon as we had our first fight after moving, it all came out . i told her i knew everything and how much i hated her for it. she then told me that i obviously didnt know the whole story, apparently before all this happened, dad had an affair as well, with my brothers school teacher. oh great, so both my parents were cheaters. i knew she wasnt making it up, and dad admitted as much ,when i broguht it up with him later. so now i was angry at everyone, and to make things worse puberty had begun so by this time i was about 12 and very unhappy. i was getting very sexually curious, and obviously this involved homosexual thoughts, so this didnt help my state of mind. i fought with mum constantly, i abused her about her affair everytime we fought. i busted her still sleepin with the guy she had an affair with too, he would ring the house then hang up when i answeered. then my mum would take the phone to her room and call him back. this would make me so angry, i wasnt stupid and knew exaclty what was going on. i wouldve rather he would just say who was callin and could he speak to mum. altogether i think we lived like this for 18 months. then my dad decided to retire and move away. by this stage my 2 brothers that had stayed with dad had moved out. the next oldest brother was 15, and he was even angrier at mum than me, he moved in with another family to get away from it. me and mum moved back into the family home when dad left. it was just the 2 of us after this. we slowly started getting along better after this , but it took a long time for my anger and all my brothers anger to subside.
in the end, i have to say everything worked out. after dad left and i only saw him during holidays, our relationship got better than ever and we became like best buds by my mid to late teens. me and mum had our moments, but i guess i eventually forgave her . im pretty sure she stopped the affair eventually, but not sure exactly when. it was obviously never more than a sexual affair, as he is still married to his wife to this day.
so basically it was a prety fucked up series of events and if i could go back i would wish a lot of things to be different. but everyone learns from things like this in life, and i think if i hadnt gone thru all that i wouldnt be the person i was today. i learnt to be completely self sufficient from a very young age. mum and dad eventually stayed good friends until the day dad died, despite everything that had happened. we even still had xmas together most years. so it wasnt all bad. i guess in hindsight it was just so much for a young boy to deal with, especially a little boy who had so much on his mind already.
ive never discussed this in detail with anyone, except my bf. it was such a relief when i told him all about it a few years ago. and it does feel good to get it all out now, as there is also a lot more to the story but i think i suppressed a lot of it.
i know a few guys who read this and also may have commented are going through some sticky situations at the moment with marriages to women. please dont let my story persuade your thoughts at all. its different for everyone, and u gotta do what u feel is right. and it really did all work out for me in the end. knowing what i know, im glad my parents got to be happy , which they wouldnt have been if they stayed together.

my parents divorce pt 1

id be lying if i didnt say my parents divorce didnt fuck me up a bit.
im going back to the past for this post. a long way to the past. 1992. I am 11 years old. im lying on the lounge reading a book. my brothers are watching TV. my dad walks into the room. he tells me to chuck the book. this sounded important. he just comes straight out with it. i dont remember the exact words. but it was something like. "your mum is moving out. you can either stay or leave with her". he then speaks about her "boyfriend" i immediately knew who that was. i was so stupid, how had i not realised before. my mum had been inseperable from my dads best friend for as long as i could remember . the 2 of them were in business together. my mum had invested all our money into this business, which appeared to be a spectacular failure. they had often spent hours locked away just the 2 of them. i guess i was young and naive and thought it was just business. looking back, i think i already knew the truth. he wasnt really her "boyfriend" . it was just a pure affair. he was married, so was she. i dont think either of them intended on it being any more than that, but the damage was done. they hadnt done a very good hiding it really, as even an innocent 11 year old boy had kinda worked it out. the next day i spoke to my mum for the first time. she asked if dad had talked to me. i nodded. she asked if i was moving with her. i didnt know what to do. she had rented a unit a few streets away. she said she thought me and one of my brothers would come with her. i told her the brother she thought would come had decided to stay with dad . i was so mad at her that i was considering staying with dad too, even though i had always been closer to mum at that age. but the look of disapointment and sadness on her face when i said my brother was staying, made me really feel sorry for her, but still i was still angry too. i said i hadnt decided yet. i didnt want to decide, so i never brought it up again. and noone asked me. then the day came a couple of weeks later when mum was moving. i then was asked again. so r u going with her or not. i was a confused kid, being forced to make a decision i didnt want to make, and i burst out in tears. when i think back, fuck my parents for treating me like that. it wasnt right. you do not force an 11 year old boy to make a spur of the moment choice on who he wants to live with. especially after you have just told him the mum he loves so much has been having an affair. but it doesnt change anything, it still happened. i dont think ive ever properly gotten over that day.

hot aussie rugby league players

my mind is a bit blank tonight, so i thought for my next post id talk about my favorite things - and show them! - aussie rugby league players
i love them not only because its my favorite sport, but i honestly believe they are the hottest sportsmen in the world. heres a very small sample of some of my favorites. if you like them, i might post a lot more in the future


Matt Cooper - St George Illawarra Dragons

Cooper Cronk - Melbourne Storm

Beau Ryan - Wests Tigers

Travis Burns - North Queensland Cowboys

ppl at work

ive been with the same employer over 4 years now. when i first started, i decided for the first time i was gunna be completely open about my sexuality for the first time. then, on my very first day, a girl comes up to me and introduces herself, says she is a friend of someone i went to school with. who happens to be best friends with my male best friend from school. oh great, so immediately im on the backfoot and abruptly change my mind, so back in the closet at work i go.
so for about the first year i told noone at work i was gay. then about a year after i started, i made a rare visit to a gay bar. and who else should be there? the guy i sit across from at work. i had my suspicions he was gay, and this obviously confirmed it. he immeditely saw me, and i was totally busted. he said he had no idea, he promised to keep it quiet.
after i got busted by him, the girl from the first day left, and i decided to start tellin some ppl. not many , just my close friends there, and mainly the girls, who ive discovered are always guarenteed not to give a shit, and usually even like u more once they know.
so flashforward to 2010, and im pretty sure nearly everyone at works knows by now. either ive told them or theyve been told by word spreading. its not an issue there, as i reckon half the guys at work are openly gay anyway, but most of em are pretty obviously gay , so it wasnt as if they really even had to tell anyone.
a lot of ppl have also met my bf now too, and ive introduced him as such, instead of my "flatmate"
me and the guy who busted me at the gay bar all those years ago ended up pretty good friends. we often go for our lunch breaks together and perve on all the hotties walkin round near our work. so for the first time in my life, im gay at work, and it doesnt bother me. this is defintely progress

the back up girl

ive spoken about most of my major coming out moments now, and except for a few small ones not worth talking about, there is prolly only one major one left that i havnt mentioned. i was gunna post it soon, but i thought of it tonight when i was flickin thru the TV and came across an old episode of friends. in the episode, Rachel discovers that Pheobe and Joey have a pact to get married if they are still single at 40. She thinks its a great idea and tries to make the same agreement with Ross, but she then discovers that Pheobe also made the same agreement with Ross, and all hell breaks loose. i hadnt seen the episode b4, having only ever watched friends occasionally, but it was hilariouus
so anyway, when i was 18 me and this girl who i was good friends with from school made the same pact, except we were gunna get married at 30. since school we have stayed very good, although distant friends as she lives a fair way away, but we have the kind of friendship where we dont need to speak or see each other that often to stay close. we make up for it when we see each other once or twice a year.
about 3 years ago, i went to visit her for her birthday. she had a massive fun party. i had planned to tell her that night, and of course, in order to do so got myself very drunk, but eventually started talking.
it was prolly sometime well after midnight, we were sitting outside , just the 2 of us, having deep and meaningful conversations and i told her i have something to tell her. in my drunken state i started to cry, and i couldnt blurt the words out. it took me about half an hour to calm down, and i started to say it several times, but still nothing came out of my mouth.
she started guessing what it was, with no luck. she thought i had done something bad, like killed someone or something!
i asked her just to let me be for a few minutes so i could pull myself together, and finally i said it. i didnt say "im gay"
i said "i have been seeing someone for several years, and have kept it a secret from you"
she said "oh.... kay......' very slowly.
i said "yeah, and HIS name is **********'
she was silent for a few moments , before it sunk in. she gave me a big hug, and harrassed me for the rest of the night about why i hadnt told her sooner. i explained it of course, and she understood. like everyone else she said she had never even suspected.
she then remembered our pact, and said she is still marrying me when we're 30 , jokingly of course. the joke still goes on til this day
she has since met my bf several times, and they get along like a house on fire which is great. she wants to marry us both when we are 30 now , lol

male best friend

one major friend i still havnt been able to tell is my best mate from school. i have told quite a few girls from school, but somehow telling a guy i went to school with is so much harder. we have been best mates since 15. i was best man at his wedding. and whilst i have slowly lost contact with most of my other male friends from school, we have always kept in regular contact and remained good friends. we played a lot of sport together as teenagers. oh i am also godparent to his first child (in a non religious way).
a few years back, he heard a rumour from someone that i was gay and had a bf. this was only half true, as i was single at the time, it was a few months before i met my bf. apparantly a girl from school who i had told, didnt keep her mouth shut, and told 1 person, who knows him well, and this person flat out asked him. i rang this person straight away and told them to keep their mouth shut in future!
he rang me that night, and flat out asked me if i was gay. i flat out panicked, and said no. it was so stupid of me, i should have just admitted it there and then, but i was too scared. whilst i dont believe this friend to be homophobic, i was still scared of his reaction. he 100% believed me when i denied it, and he has never brought it up since.
i do plan to tell him soon tho. he lives a couple of hours away these days, happily married with 2 kids. next time i visit, i plan to get us both very drunk (theres no way ill be able to do it sober!) and tell him. i keep putting of my next visit tho, so not sure when this will be, or if i will have the guts to go thru with it
im fairly sure he will be ok, the main issue im worried about is the lies and lies ive used over the years to cover my secret. hopefully he will forgive me for that.

siblings

so just a bit about my siblings. i have 3 brothers and a sister . they r all older. 3 r married, 1 is divorced. they all have kids. i love my nieces and nephews, they r prolly the closest thing ill have to kids of my own, but it makes me supremely jealous that they have all bred successfully, carried on the family so to speak, but that wll never happen for me. none of em know im gay. have no idea how any of em would react. im pretty sure the brother closest in age to me possibly knows, he actually flat out asked me a couple of years back but i joked an answer back and laughed it off. the other ones have never brought it up with me. im very friendly with all my siblings, but also not especially close with any of em. we are all spread out around australia for a start. and i didnt really grow up with my elder 2 siblings, as they are a lot older and have a diff mum. a lot more to that story too. but i love em all. i hope one day i can get the guts and just tell them the truth, but i think my mum has to be the one i tell before them/
im gettin really tired of livin this lie and want to tell them soon. why oh why cant i just get the guts to do it? i dont wanna feel like this anymore

drugs r bad, mmmmkay

when i first moved in with my bf, he had a flatmate that came with us. she was an awesome girl, who over the time we had known her had become our best friend. but she had a horrible flaw. she was a drug addict. she seriously smoked at least 20 bongs a day. spent hundreds of dollars a week on her habit. from looking at her, if u didnt know her, u would never guess. she is pretty, blonde and petite. doesnt have druggo skin or eyes or anything, but she has been smokin pot every day since she was 15. and she is now 28, and still smokin pot every day even now (havnt lived with her 4 years!) she tried to quit all the time, mostly half heartedlty and unsuccessfully. she would always ask me to hide her pot from her so she couldnt smoke it. that was always pointless as she would just walk round the house smelling and sniffing til she found it. im not really one to judge other ppls lifestyles, if she wanted to smoke pot, that was her decision, she knew how i felt about it. and i would be lying if i said i didnt have the occasional dabble in it, but im talking maybe once or twice a year i would have a puff or two. but she would start at 6am and finish when she went to sleep. every day. its been destroying her life for years, and continues too. it has destroyed her ladt 2 serious relationships as well
this story still doesnt really have an endin unfortunately, not much has changed with her. but i guess it has a point. dont smoke pot. its evil.

girls are not always good flatmates

most guys reckon girls always make good flatmates. well i have a story which makes me disagree. at the beginning of 2004, i moved in with a female friend of mine. i had met her a couple of years before thru a mutual friend i had met online and had become friends with also, so she knew i was gay, and she was trustworthy enough to keep that secret. we always got along really well and were both looking for somewhere new to live at the same time, so everything seemed to be working out perfectly. we even both had the bits of furniture that the other didnt, but after a few weeks i found out what she was really like to live with. messy. unhygienic. a bit of an alcoholic . possessive. clingy. she would get extremely jealous whenever i spent time with at my bf's place instead of being at home with her, but because she gave me the shits so much, i was basically never home, which drove her mental. and so much for girls being the cleaner gender, she rarely cleaned. and she left her shit everywhere, including some grotty shit like used band aids. after a few months i decided i had had enough, but before i had a chance to tell her i wanted to move out, she beat me to it, and told me she wanted to move out. talk about good timing. we then had massive fights about cleaning, bond money, everything u can think of to do with moving. she sent me some really nasty text messages. girls can be so bitchy!
anyway, it all worked out well for in the end, cause it resulted in me and my bf moving in together as an alternative, and we have lived together happily ever since. it was a lot earlier than either of us had probably intended on moving in together, we had been together less than a year after all, and i think we both had some doubts in the beginning, but i think you quickly learn whether or not you can live with someone. i dont think i would ever again live with a friend, especially a female friend. i know of so many people who are no longer friends because they have lived together, and i dont want that to ever happen to me again!

a huge coming out moment

shortly after i met my bf, i resolved to myself to tell my best female friend from school that i was gay. i was still yet to really tell anyone significant from my old life, so it was going to be a really important milestone for me. as my next visit home was going to be christmas 2003, so i decided that was when i would do it. i met this girl when i was about 16, and we have always gotten along great. when we first started being friends, a mutual friend of ours tried to get us together, but i dont think either of us ever felt that way about each other. she got a serious bf when she was about 18 . and they r still together 10 years later, coincedentally i had known her bf since i was young, and her getting with him didnt change our friendship at all. we hung out a lot especially in our late teens, and we did lots of random stuff together, one time when we were 19 we even went on spur of the moment a 2 week road trip just the 2 of us, and had the time of our lives. her bf was never jealous of me, even tho he didnt know i was gay, which i thought was kinda weird, but i always just guessed he trusted us both.
so one saturday evening, late november 2003, i was out partying with some friends, and got a little drunk. i sent her a text message saying something like "i have to tell u something this xmas. a secret .make sure i tell u" . of course i wasnt thinking clearly when i sent this,because this was always going to get the reaction of "tell me what it is now!!!"
a few texts back and forth, i kept saying not to worry ill tell her when i see her at xmas, but she would not give up, and eventually called me. i think it was after midnight by this time, and i left the club i was at to go outside to talk to her on the phone. im not sure how long we spoke for, but it was a while. i started balling my eyes out. i kept insisting that its not something i want to say over the phone, but she simply wouldnt give up. she said she was pretty sure she knew what it was, and asked if she could try and guess what it was, and if she guessed i would have to acknowledge it. I of course thought that she must know the truth, and was about to guess the right thing. geez was i wrong. she said "is ur secret that u like me as more than a friend" for fucks sake the poor girl, she really had no idea. she at least stopped me crying for a sec, because i laughed at her instead, i said if that was the problem then my real problem wouldnt exist. she still didnt click on. after she said this, i felt so guilty that i said i would just tell her the truth now. but somehow the words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. she must have waited for me to tell her for several minutes, in between bursts of tears. i finaly just bit the bullet , and said those 2 words. "im gay" she was silent for about 10 seconds and said in a very shocked voice"your gay? thats ok!". i was so relieved, i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. we spoke a few mins more, until i finally calmed down and stopped balling, and agreed we would talk about it more at xmas, as we got together every xmas eve for drinks.
so xmas eve we caught up, and we had a really good talk about everything. she said she had never once suspected at all i was gay, and she was completely guilt ridden when i had told her how miserable i had been for so many years. it wasnt her fault of course, i had become such an expert of hiding my feelings about it over the years that i didnt blame her for not noticing anything amiss. she told her bf about me as well, and he was totally cool with it too.
we are still best friends all these years later. not that i had any doubts, cause i trust her completely, but she has faithfully kept my secret all these years from anyone that i didnt want knowing , including my mum who she knows quite well!
so this was probably my most significant coming out moment to date, because it was the first time i had told someone who i had been so close too for many years. i guess if/when i finally tell my family, that will be bigger.

meeting my bf

Septemer 2003 was a great month for me. it started with me getting a new job which i loved, i finally quit uni forever, as i had really begun to hate it and never wanted to go back, and of course, then i met my bf who ive now been with over 6 years.
it all happened very quickly. we met online and chatted for one night only, and swapped phone numbers.
we spent a couple hours on the phone, and got along really well. he was the same age as me, just a few months younger, and totally in the closet at the time, and he only lived 5 mins from me. we organised to meet up for a drink the next night at a straight pub not far from us. i hadnt seen a pic of him b4 we met, and i was blown away when i saw him. he was stunningly good looking. i thought there was no way someone this good looking would be interested in me, but apparently he felt the same. we spent the next few hours getting blind drunk, before we stumbled back to his place and had sex. i still remember going to work the next day, so hungover but so happy. we met up again the next night. then the next, and the next, and pretty much every night after that. within a month we had the "talk" and agreed we were now together.
we certainly had our issues in the beginning, as i reckon every couple does. mostly caused by the fact that that he was even more inexperienced than me with the whole gay thing, and had never had a bf, whilst i had only had 2 very short lived relatiionships which hadnt gone well. both of us being such closet cases also made things difficult.
but after some initial tidal waves, some massive fights, and even a temporary break up for 2 very depressing days, we ended up very happy and in love, and moved in together about a year later (as far as my family knows, he is still my "flatmate" 5 years later hahah!)

a bit of a slut

i think everyone has to go thru a slut phase at one point. mine was about may-august 2003. after i broke up with the 2nd boyfriend. there was just a lot of random guys in this period, and though i had been with quite a few guys the previous 18 months, this period seemed to have a lot more than i had been with before. internet hookups mostly. some unusual places too. a footy park. several cars and some unusual parking places. looking back, i wonder what i was thinking. but i guess it was fun and exciting at the time. lots of "straight" guys seemed to come along too. the hot kind that i like. after a while tho, i think i got bit sick of the whole thing. being a slut does get a bit tired eventually. so when i met my bf at the end of this period, it was defintely a relief. ive had quite a lot of emails/comments asking when the story of when i met my bf is coming, well it will be the next post .
meanwhile on the coming out front, still not much had happened by this point. there was, and still is, a lot of ppl who didnt/dont know!!!! but there is a big story about that coming up after the bf post.

my 2nd boyfriend

one day in april 2003 i randomly ran into this guy down the street, that i had known for a year or so. he was a friend of my flatmate, we had met a couple of times, and mildly flirted and chatted online a bit, but nothing more. he invited me for a drink. we ended up back at his place having sex. this was all a bit against my better judgement, cause this guy was a bit of an arrogant prick, and was apparently a bit of slut, which i wasnt sure was true or not. but for some reason, i tend to find arrogant pricks very attractive. the next few days we hung out a lot, had sex a lot, and ended up as "boyfriends". i didnt really know it was like that, until one day he surprised me by in troducing me to his mother, as his boyfriend! it was not a good relationship tho, cause he really was a prick, very controlling, and would only see me when he wanted, not when i did. my friends met him and told me they all thought he was a wanker, but i still persisted with him, he was like a drug i couldnt give up. but after only 4 or 5 weeks, he rang me one day and said he wanted to just be friends. i was kinda upset at the time, but got over it very quickly, because i think i really had worked out what a prick he could be. in the end i was more upset cause i had gotten really close to his flatmate and best friend, a mid 30's single lady who was a complete barrel of fun. she always took my side whenever he was a prick to me, and she kept telling him he should stay with me cause i was good for him. she loved a good party, and she was also very naughty and gave me cocaine one night (something i had never tried, nor have i tried since!!) . i would be lying if i said it wasnt fun though! but it wasnt something i was interested in getting involved in . but it meant i couldnt hang out with her anymore. so after we broke up, i found out the slut rumours were very true. think i was much better off without him, so thank god he did break up with me. i saw him at a club a couple of years later. he tried cracking onto me and my current boyfriend. sleazebag. told him to go fuck himself. , like he deserved. so by this time i was nearly 22, and had had 2 boyfriends, but both relationships had barely lasted a month. wasnt having much luck in that department up until this point!

the hot surfie dude

a few days after i got back from melbourne, i met up with this 18y.o surfie dude. we had been chatting occasionally for over a year, but he was an extreme closet case and had never wanted to even swap phone numbers, let alone meet. according to him he had only ever been with 1 guy, and he had a girlfriend. but then one balmy evening, well after midnight in march 2003 he popped up online, told me he was drunk and stoned, and wanted to meet. i had just got home myself from a night out so wasnt completely sober either, so of course i didnt think twice. so 10 mins later i was in a taxi to the beach where he lived, just a few mins from my place. now ive chatted to a lot of guys online who claim to be "surfies" but turn out to be nothing of the sort, but this guy really was a true surfie. i had never seen a pic of him, but he was about 6 foot, dark curly hair, had a beautifully tanned surfer body, and had that real "im not gay but i like men" attitude which youd expect from a gay surfie. we laid down on the beach (about 2am) and talked for an hour. it turned out he was also a huge rugby league fan like myself, so the conversation flowed easily. eventually we started making out, and feeling each other all over. man his body felt good! i had never had sex on the beach before, and it was quite exciting. we then sucked each others cocks until the sun came up, and said our goodbyes. after this meeting, the next time he came online, he had a freak out, worried that i was guna tell the world about him. of course i wasnt going to, i was barely out to anyone myself at this time for a start, and i didnt know anyone he knew. i offered to be his friend, to help him with his sexuailty struggles, but he flat out refused my help, so i let him be and we never spoke again.
funny story, a couple years later i was with my bf at popular pub and i saw him working there. ive never kept secrets from my bf, and i pointed him out and told him i had slept with him. my bf looked at him, and said "me too!!". turned out they had sex a few times, not long after i had had sex with him! small world isnt it?

good internet choices

in complete contradiction to the previous post, in feb 2003 i had a great experience with a guy off the net. i started chatting to this guy from melbourne, a wonderful australian city . the relationship developed very quickly and within a week we were calling each other all day every day, we just got along so well. he was totally in the closet, and completely inexperienced with guys, and only just admitting to himself he was gay. i was in the new position of being someone with a little more experience for a change, and able to help him with his issues. after an intense 3 weeks of constant chatting online & on the phone, we decided we just had to meet. it was one of the craziest things ive ever done, i hopped on a plane just days later to travel halfway across australia to meet a guy who i didnt even know what he looked like. he met me at the airport. i was pleasantly surprised, he was quite good looking. he clearly liked me too, because within an hour of checking into my hotel , we were going at it like rabbits. i can still remember, we had sex 11 times in 3 days before i had to fly back home. when we wernt having sex, we also had a lot of fun together, we had a lot in common, like me he loved his sports, gambling and beer. we agreed tho that after i left that we would just stay friends, we both had new worlds to explore and wernt ready for anything serious, especially long distance. we stayed in contact for a long time, and a few months later he successfully came out to all his family and friends. he did the whole slut phase and explored his sexuality, and eventually got a serious boyfriend. last time i heard from him a couple of years ago, he was very happy and settled down. ive never regretting jumping on that plane.

Poor Internet choices

I remember January 2003 very well. now everyone i know that has done the whole meet guys off the internet thing has had bad experiences (and lots of good ones of course!!!). i have had plenty, but that mostly consisted of meeting up with guys who either wernt who they said they were, or were not really after what they had claimed to be after. or the ones where they cancel on u or dont turn up. but i met this one guy online , Mark, who gave me a real bad experience. he lived in another city but we had been chatting online and on the phone for many months, maybe a year. He was kinda my equal, and the one i told everything too, and vice versa, as we were both the same age and at the same stage of the coming out process. we had never met in person but he kinda seemed like my best friend, we spoke every day, taking turns calling each other. In Jan 2003 i happened to be in his city visiting a friend of mine, and told him i was gunna be in town to meet. we had been talking for months about meeting, and we knew each other so well it didnt seem a big deal to me, and he had seemed really keen. but he got really weird when i told him i was there and was free to meet. he changed his mind and said he didnt want to meet anymore (no reason given), then decided he did about 2 hours later. it was never the plan to meet for sex, just to meet as friends, so i still to this day dunno what he got so weird about. so eventually he decided he defintely did want to meet, so i went to his dorm (he lived on a uni campus) and we seemed to get along fine. there wasnt much sexual attraction from my side but i didnt care about that, i just wanted to meet my friend. we had a few beers and then i left, we made plans to meet the next night for a proper get together. so i get back to my friends place after meeting him, check my email, and hes emailed me saying he enjoyed meeting me but doesnt want to meet up again while im in town, but would rather meet in neutral territory , as in neither of our cities. i emailed back saying that was a bit weird, but whatever he thought he was comfortable with, but i was still in town for a couple of days if he changed his mind. i wasnt ready to give up on our friendship cause it had really meant a lot to me over the past year. talking to him and pulled me out of some severe depressions! he then does another mind change and says he does want to meet up the next night. so we meet up at a local bar ,and get wasted. he opens up a bit and we told each other we wernt each others type sexually. after we got this off our chests it seemed we could be happy as just friends, and the convo flowed. anyway that night i slept with him in his bed as i was too drunk to make my way back to my friends place, so he offered me to stay with him and we cuddled in his bed but didnt have sex. it was friendship cuddles and it felt good. we seemed to have finally hit it off in person. i had to leave the next day, and i thought it was all good with us. after i left, i never heard from him for weeks. he stopped using msn (prolly blocked me), didnt answer any calls or texts. i gave up, i wasnt gunna waste any more time on him, i deserved better i thought. he then randomly texted me and said he isnt interested in our long distance friendship any more. no other reason than he cant be bothered. well fuck him, i never contacted him again. i was only ever interested in being his friend, and helping him in his sexuality struggle the way he had helped me. i would be lying if i said it didnt hurt to be treated that way, cause i really cared about him. so whilst this wasnt like the usual bad internet experiences, it was definetly one i have never forgot or really gotten over.

post holiday depression

coming back from overseas to reailty is horrible. im a bit of a traveller, having travelled all around my own country of oz, ive also been to the UK, asia, a few pacific islands , a few states of the USA, mexico, all over south america, and NZ. this UK trip was my first real big one though, and coming home was the worst feeling. and not just because the holiday was over, but i had absolutely nothing to come home to. i had no job, no love prospects, was flat broke, i had taken time off uni, and of course the whole gay thing always weighs on ur mind. i can barely remember what i did the couple of months after i got home. i think i spent a lot of time alone in my room, and probably had a few random net hookups here and there. in fact i think i spent way too much time online, i started staying up later and later, sometimes til 4-5am, and not getting out of bed til after lunch. my flatmate got the shits with me for being such a lazy barstard. i told him to go fuck himself of course. from memory i dont think i met anyone particuarly exciting during this period (sept-Dec2002), and to be honest i cant think of anything exciting that happened then. but 2003 was going to be a new year, and a big year!

the best sex ive ever had

so going back a few years again. im tryin to write everythin about my past in a mostly chronological order, so im up to about July/August 2002 i reckon. i had been at uni 18 months and was totally over it. i was too distracted by my personal life to be honest, and i needed a break. so i decided to take a semester off and see what happens. for my 21st that year my fam bought me a 6 week holiday to the UK, travellin with a couple of them who were all party animals. of course, none of them knew i was gay. by this time id been sleeping with guys for nearly a year and to be honest quite reguarly, and because i was livin away from my fam i was kinda gettin used to not having to pretend the whole straight thing all the time. i mostly went partyin at straight clubs with them in the UK< but one night, about 4 weeks in, i snuck off by myself to find a gay club . i wont say the city cause it gives so much away if anyone i knew came across this, but its a fairly minor UK city and only had 1 gay club that i had researched online. it was a bit scary, going by myself. the man at the door said "you do know this is a gay club dont you". i nodded and walked in. obviously even to the english i didnt seem gay!. so the place was semi busy, and there were a few hot guys there. i was too much of a wuss to talk to any of em, but after a couple of beers some guy came over and started chattin to me. he was quite good looking, and of course had an english accent. any accent is hot as far as im concerned. we chatted for ages and drunk a shitload of beer, before we started making out and he then invited me back to his place. i didnt know what to do, cause it turned out he lived about 30 mins away from the club. in the opposite direction to where i was staying. i also had no way of contacting the fam to tell them what i was doing. but being so drunk and horny, i bit the bullet and went with him. and then i had the hottest sex ive still ever had to this day. i hadnt had much anal sex up to this point in my life, i had mostly done oral and stuff, and this guy could suck cock like nothing else, but when i fucked him, it was just incredible. i cant even explain why, maybe it was the whole situation, but i had never been so turned on.
the next day was fucked tho. after some morning sex, i was ridiculously hungover and i had NO idea where i really was. i was totaly stressing about what the hell i was gunna tell everyone about where i was. i was also thinkin they have probably called the police cause i didnt make it home. so anyway i think after about 2 buses and a taxi ride, i finally made it back to where i was staying early afternoon. it turned out the fam was not worried at all, they assumed i had gone out and picked up. "what was her name" was the first question i was asked when i walked inside. the guys name was martin, so the first name that of course came to mind was "martina" . oh i crack myself up with my creativity. they didnt ask too much more about it, so i had totally gotten away with it. i had martins number, but never called him or saw him again. i went out again to gay clubs a couple of weeks later , which was awesome. i didnt pick up, but i didnt care, i had achieved my mission of having hot sex overseas. i got back from the UK in early Sept 2002, with some gr8 memories, especially of that night.

coming out drunk

so im gunna jump from the past to the present for a sec, cause i had a pretty major weekend. i came out to my friend tina, who was my best friend from the age of 15-20. i cant believe it took me that long to tell her, but its kinda complicated.
tina and i met at high school, we pretty much were inseperable for years. especially when we both turned 18, she was my major party friend. but then we had a huge, nasty fight about 8 years ago. she was dating this total fuckwit who clearly was jealous of our friendship and basically she chose him over me. she was totally immature about the whole thing, and left me in a awkward situation one night, totally stranded with nowhere to sleep after i was meant to stay at her house one night but her bf told her i wasnt allowed (after i got there!). we tentatively made up a couple of years later when they broke up, but it was never quite the same, i was still pretty angry i guess. i saw her maybe twice between 2002 and 2008. once for her wedding, she met a new guy who is really nice and got married in about 2006. we promised to talk more, but i didnt speak to her again for at least a year. then my dad died, and because she knew him quite well, i told her about it and she came to the funeral, and she ended staying with me til i drunk myself into submission. after that we have slowly been becoming good friends again, though mostly over distance with the occasional visit, as she lives a couple of hours away.
so on the weekend i went to a party she was having and we got a bit drunk, and i finally told her i was gay. i just blurted it out towards the end of the night. it is so much easier to tell ppl when ur drunk, nearly everytime ive told an old close friend ive had to get drunk to get the courage to do it. i was pretty sure she knew anyway, because she had asked a mutual friend (who knows about me) a couple of years back, and my friend didnt deny it but didnt tell her either, just said she should ask me. the last few times i have visited, i was actually hoping she would ask so that i wouldnt have to be the one to bring it up, but she never did. so after about 10 beers on saturday, i finally told her. she admitted she knew. she was totally cool with it, she said she never suspected at all growing up, but had worked it out a couple of years ago when i had still had the same "flatmate" for 4 years, and no girlfriends. we spoke openly about our big fight a few years back, and agreed it was all in the past. she has definitly grown up a lot since then. it was big step for me because she should have been the first person i shouldve told years before, but i was always way too scared. i thought she would have hated me and rejected me. looking back, i was so stupid, i could have told her when i was a teenage, and i could have had someone close to me to talk about it with. instead i kept it to myself and it ate me up. hindsight is a great thing

my crush on dave

so my friend dave that i mentioned a few times in earlier posts, broke up with his psycho boyfriend in about May 02. we had been intensely close for about 6 months by that point and somehow i ended up wanting him as more than friend. our friendship had nearly always borded on sexual without really going there, except for a few drunken moments. i decided to tell him i liked him and i honestly thought he felt the same. but he said he didnt want to be with anyone for a while after finally getting out of his nightmare of a relationship, and he just wanted to be single. i was totally pissed off when a few weeks later he started seeing someone else. he had went home with this guy during the end of his relationship and he told me they had secretly been seeing each other for a few weeks. i also thought the guy was a total wanker which made it worse. the night they had met , dave left me at the nightclub we were at alone to go home with him. i thought it was just a one nighter. so so wrong i was. they are still together now, nearly 8 years later. we patched up our differences over what happened, i got over it not long after. but our friendship has never quite been the same, although we are still good friends. the guy is still a bit of a wanker, and treats dave like shit. i found out about a year ago that he slept with one of mine and daves best friends. to complicate it further, she is a girl. she told me about it herself, wracked with guilt. i told her to tell dave the truth but she hasnt. i cant tell dave, even though id like to, as ive been in that situation before and the person who tells always gets the bad end of the stick. so im keeping my mouth shut.

randoms and a 3some

after the boyfriend debacle i went back to meeting guys online. didnt really hit it off with anyone of memory for a couple of months . had quite a few sexual encounters. visited a lot more gay bars. felt comfortable that there was less danger of being caught there each time i went. one night i was leaving, drunk as hell at closing time, when 2 randoms getting in a cab asked me to come with them. with my beer goggles on and being the horny little bugger i was, i went. they were travelling like half an hour away, whereas i lived 2 mins cab drive away, so we ended up at my place. and so happened my first 3some. it was quite hot during the sex. apparently i was the one they both wanted so they fought for my affection. felt kinda good to be wanted! one of them dry humped me which was a first. the other one just wanted to suck me off all night. so woke up the next day though.. and talk about awkward. they were not my type at all really in the sober light of day/. the first one left soon after we woke up. gave me his business card which i never used. the second one wanted some more. i was totally not into it and asked him to leave. he had really bad morning breath when he tried to kiss me. saw him a few months later with a wife and kids! found out later he is a married guy who frequents the bar sometimes. i have no problem with that, but was a bit of a shock to see.
im not sure about my state of mind at about this time, which was about april/may 2002. i had been busy with the gay life for a few months now. i was supposed to be at uni but kinda was too distracted and my grades suffered. i think i was avoiding my old life to try and enjoy the new one. i still hadnt come out to the ppl from my past, but was coming out to new ppl i met along the way. i was defintely a lot happier than i was from about 8 months earlier, when the straight best friend debacle had happened.

first boyfriend

In March 2002 i got my first boyfriend. it lasted about 3 weeks before i had enough. it was a guy i met online that lived a couple of hours away. after a few days intense chatting and phone convos he came to see me and we hit it off. i think we started having sex about 10 minutes after he arrived at my place. he was fairly attractive without being totally hot, and at first i really liked his personailty. he was in his late twenties, a cop and also in the closet. he ended up staying with me for days at a time during his non shift days. i loved that he was a cop, totally unoriginal i know but there really is something sexy about it. anyway, after a few weeks things changed. i started to get a bit sick of him, and sick of having a boyfriend. he was really clingy , and constantly wanted to be on the phone to me when we wernt together. the whole being with guys thing was still fairly new to me as well and i didnt want to be tied up. having never broken up with someone before i had no idea what to do and i handled it really badly. i was really rude to him on the phone one day, and then stopped returning his calls. man what an asshole thing to do, he obviously got the message though as he stopped trying to call . years later he found me on facebook, and thankfully he held no grudges and he seems to be doing well.
i think karma got me back though when i got my 2nd boyfriend (thats still a few stories away though)

RIP dad

Well i am back after a couple of great days away for new years. i love new years, its a great time to catch up with good friends have a drink or 10 or 20 :). but the aftermath of new years is always a sad time for me as its the time of year my dad died. i loved my dad, even though he is probably the biggest cause today of my fear of coming out. yes he was a flawed ,but also great man. he was not the type of man who would ever say it, but i know he loved me, and all his kids.
growing up when i was a youngster, he was a bit scary. he worked a lot and then spent a lot of his spare time at the pub drinking, and he had a pretty bad temper. things changed when my parents divorced when i was about 12 and he moved away. i went to stay with him for most of my school holidays as a teenager, and we developed a great best friend type relationship. he changed a lot, he was a lot happier, and his temper was nothing like it used to be.
my dad was a child of the olden days, having grown up in the 50's, in a small country town. he was not religious in any way, but he held a lot of traditional views. one of his views was his hate of "poofters". he was always openly homophobic, ever since i could remember. he would often make comments like " he would drown one of his kids if they were gay' or "all poofs should be shot" and things like that. and it wasnt just male bravado like some ppl think, he really was very homophobic. his attitude has cleary still had a bearing on the way i have lived my life to this very day. it wasnt easy growing up with a father that you loved dearly, but hated the very thing you really were. but despite this he had his great points. he was , as i said, my best friend. he was always there if i needed anything. he was always great company as i grew into an adult, always there to share a beer with. he was very generous with his moneyto all his kids, , even though he was not nor ever was a wealthy man. he was a great grandfather to my several nieces and nephews that came along over the last few years. he was really loved and admired by many - hundreds of ppl came to his funeral. the positive things like this are what i try to remember him by.
dad collapsed suddenly and died a couple of years ago now. not a day goes by when i dont think about him or miss him, the world just isnt the same without him. but i also have some residual guilt - for years i was worried he would find out i was gay and our relationship as we knew it would be over, and i would be lying if i didnt feel some relief that he never found out before he died . i felt horrible every time i thought like that - but its true. i know i probably shouldnt feel guilty but i do and probably always will. i always thought i might find it easier to come out after he died, but that has not happened either. the people that do know im gay but didnt know him like to tell me that they think he would be proud of me regardless, and believe he would have accepted it and loved me anyway. its a lovely notion, but something that i am absolutely certain would not have been true. i guess i will never know anyway.
if i could turn back time, i still would not have told him the truth, he died proud of me, and as my best mate and thats not something i would ever risk, even for the truth. no regrets. R.I.P