the straight best friend

january 2001. a new life began. my family & friends now lived 5 hours away. about 5 other ppl from my year at high school went to the same uni as me( a uni of about 18000 students!), but other than that i knew noone. uni was so different from high school. people were so much more mature. it was considered cool to be different. there were gay ppl everywhere. they had gay support clubs and everything. i could have started afresh from the start . but i still wasnt ready. for the first 9 months of uni i still pretended i was straight. i made some new uni friends who really wouldnt have cared, but i was so used to the closet i couldnt bear to put even a foot out. for those 9 months i stayed away from the internet, except for study purposes, so i completely segregated myself from my gay thoughts.. in my very first week, i hooked up with guess who? a girl from my high school, that i had a crush on a few years earlier (she had rejected me in high school!). what was i doing, how long could i go on like that? i mostly stopped hooking up with girls after this. and it was during this period that i hooked up with a guy for a first time, as per my post a couple of days ago. but that was pretty much an isolated incident during this period of my life. i went straight back to my closeted life. it was somewhere towards the end of this 9 months that things started to change. i made a really good guy friend from my course. he was a stunning looking guy, with a perfect gym body. he was actually a part time model. and i fell head over heels for him. i became obsessed. the obsession got the better of me. i fell into a deep depression and could not snap myself out of it. this is when i had serious suicidal thoughts, it was one of the most horrible periods of my life. years of built up feelings regarding my sexuailty came to a head. my friend started to realise something was up. after class one day he had had enough of my sulking and depressed state, and snapped at me. what the fuck is wrong with you he said. i wouldnt tell him. and then he said it. words that had never been spoken to me before, words i thought would never be spoken to me.to do this day i remember every word exactly he said "has this got something to do with the fact that you prefer the company of men" . WHAT! i said! of course not! im not gay!!! i refused to tell him the truth though, and he dropped me off home (he always drove to uni and gave me a lift). i walked inside and lay on my bed thinking for an hour. i had just had the oppurtunity to come out to my best friend at uni , a guy i was also in love with, and i didnt take it. the more i thought about it and the casual way in which he had brought it up, the more it occured to me i should have just said it. but i had been too scared. but the more i thought about it, the more i figured this was a chance for me to finally come clean to someone. someone that i had really got to care about too, even after only a few months of friendship. so i typed an sms . "youre guess about me was correct" . i think it sat on my phone for another hour, before i shut my eyes and finally got the guts and clicked the send button. and then i waited. a few mins. beep beep. got a reply. thats ok he said, im here if you need to talk he said. phew. wow. i had just come out to someone properly for the first time. and it appeared to go well. sure, it was via sms, but i had done it! my euphoria was short lived though. my friend and i shared a lot of classes , but he didnt turn up to class for a couple of days. a bit weird i thought. then he finally turned up to a lecture a couple of days later. he saw me and hesitantly walked over. it was very very awkward for 2 mins. something was up. then he mumbled some very lame excuse and suddenly left. what the fuck? it was becoming pretty obvious. he had a serious issue with me being gay. back came depression , times 1000. for fucks sake, i finally got the balls to tell someone after all these years, and get completely rejected. should have stayed in the closet. he avoided me for weeks and weeks. our friendship appeared over, he wanted nothing to do with me. we didnt speak for probably 3 months. i thought this was it between us, but this story was far from over !. i will write part 2 of this story for my next post.