male best friend

one major friend i still havnt been able to tell is my best mate from school. i have told quite a few girls from school, but somehow telling a guy i went to school with is so much harder. we have been best mates since 15. i was best man at his wedding. and whilst i have slowly lost contact with most of my other male friends from school, we have always kept in regular contact and remained good friends. we played a lot of sport together as teenagers. oh i am also godparent to his first child (in a non religious way).
a few years back, he heard a rumour from someone that i was gay and had a bf. this was only half true, as i was single at the time, it was a few months before i met my bf. apparantly a girl from school who i had told, didnt keep her mouth shut, and told 1 person, who knows him well, and this person flat out asked him. i rang this person straight away and told them to keep their mouth shut in future!
he rang me that night, and flat out asked me if i was gay. i flat out panicked, and said no. it was so stupid of me, i should have just admitted it there and then, but i was too scared. whilst i dont believe this friend to be homophobic, i was still scared of his reaction. he 100% believed me when i denied it, and he has never brought it up since.
i do plan to tell him soon tho. he lives a couple of hours away these days, happily married with 2 kids. next time i visit, i plan to get us both very drunk (theres no way ill be able to do it sober!) and tell him. i keep putting of my next visit tho, so not sure when this will be, or if i will have the guts to go thru with it
im fairly sure he will be ok, the main issue im worried about is the lies and lies ive used over the years to cover my secret. hopefully he will forgive me for that.

siblings

so just a bit about my siblings. i have 3 brothers and a sister . they r all older. 3 r married, 1 is divorced. they all have kids. i love my nieces and nephews, they r prolly the closest thing ill have to kids of my own, but it makes me supremely jealous that they have all bred successfully, carried on the family so to speak, but that wll never happen for me. none of em know im gay. have no idea how any of em would react. im pretty sure the brother closest in age to me possibly knows, he actually flat out asked me a couple of years back but i joked an answer back and laughed it off. the other ones have never brought it up with me. im very friendly with all my siblings, but also not especially close with any of em. we are all spread out around australia for a start. and i didnt really grow up with my elder 2 siblings, as they are a lot older and have a diff mum. a lot more to that story too. but i love em all. i hope one day i can get the guts and just tell them the truth, but i think my mum has to be the one i tell before them/
im gettin really tired of livin this lie and want to tell them soon. why oh why cant i just get the guts to do it? i dont wanna feel like this anymore

drugs r bad, mmmmkay

when i first moved in with my bf, he had a flatmate that came with us. she was an awesome girl, who over the time we had known her had become our best friend. but she had a horrible flaw. she was a drug addict. she seriously smoked at least 20 bongs a day. spent hundreds of dollars a week on her habit. from looking at her, if u didnt know her, u would never guess. she is pretty, blonde and petite. doesnt have druggo skin or eyes or anything, but she has been smokin pot every day since she was 15. and she is now 28, and still smokin pot every day even now (havnt lived with her 4 years!) she tried to quit all the time, mostly half heartedlty and unsuccessfully. she would always ask me to hide her pot from her so she couldnt smoke it. that was always pointless as she would just walk round the house smelling and sniffing til she found it. im not really one to judge other ppls lifestyles, if she wanted to smoke pot, that was her decision, she knew how i felt about it. and i would be lying if i said i didnt have the occasional dabble in it, but im talking maybe once or twice a year i would have a puff or two. but she would start at 6am and finish when she went to sleep. every day. its been destroying her life for years, and continues too. it has destroyed her ladt 2 serious relationships as well
this story still doesnt really have an endin unfortunately, not much has changed with her. but i guess it has a point. dont smoke pot. its evil.

girls are not always good flatmates

most guys reckon girls always make good flatmates. well i have a story which makes me disagree. at the beginning of 2004, i moved in with a female friend of mine. i had met her a couple of years before thru a mutual friend i had met online and had become friends with also, so she knew i was gay, and she was trustworthy enough to keep that secret. we always got along really well and were both looking for somewhere new to live at the same time, so everything seemed to be working out perfectly. we even both had the bits of furniture that the other didnt, but after a few weeks i found out what she was really like to live with. messy. unhygienic. a bit of an alcoholic . possessive. clingy. she would get extremely jealous whenever i spent time with at my bf's place instead of being at home with her, but because she gave me the shits so much, i was basically never home, which drove her mental. and so much for girls being the cleaner gender, she rarely cleaned. and she left her shit everywhere, including some grotty shit like used band aids. after a few months i decided i had had enough, but before i had a chance to tell her i wanted to move out, she beat me to it, and told me she wanted to move out. talk about good timing. we then had massive fights about cleaning, bond money, everything u can think of to do with moving. she sent me some really nasty text messages. girls can be so bitchy!
anyway, it all worked out well for in the end, cause it resulted in me and my bf moving in together as an alternative, and we have lived together happily ever since. it was a lot earlier than either of us had probably intended on moving in together, we had been together less than a year after all, and i think we both had some doubts in the beginning, but i think you quickly learn whether or not you can live with someone. i dont think i would ever again live with a friend, especially a female friend. i know of so many people who are no longer friends because they have lived together, and i dont want that to ever happen to me again!

a huge coming out moment

shortly after i met my bf, i resolved to myself to tell my best female friend from school that i was gay. i was still yet to really tell anyone significant from my old life, so it was going to be a really important milestone for me. as my next visit home was going to be christmas 2003, so i decided that was when i would do it. i met this girl when i was about 16, and we have always gotten along great. when we first started being friends, a mutual friend of ours tried to get us together, but i dont think either of us ever felt that way about each other. she got a serious bf when she was about 18 . and they r still together 10 years later, coincedentally i had known her bf since i was young, and her getting with him didnt change our friendship at all. we hung out a lot especially in our late teens, and we did lots of random stuff together, one time when we were 19 we even went on spur of the moment a 2 week road trip just the 2 of us, and had the time of our lives. her bf was never jealous of me, even tho he didnt know i was gay, which i thought was kinda weird, but i always just guessed he trusted us both.
so one saturday evening, late november 2003, i was out partying with some friends, and got a little drunk. i sent her a text message saying something like "i have to tell u something this xmas. a secret .make sure i tell u" . of course i wasnt thinking clearly when i sent this,because this was always going to get the reaction of "tell me what it is now!!!"
a few texts back and forth, i kept saying not to worry ill tell her when i see her at xmas, but she would not give up, and eventually called me. i think it was after midnight by this time, and i left the club i was at to go outside to talk to her on the phone. im not sure how long we spoke for, but it was a while. i started balling my eyes out. i kept insisting that its not something i want to say over the phone, but she simply wouldnt give up. she said she was pretty sure she knew what it was, and asked if she could try and guess what it was, and if she guessed i would have to acknowledge it. I of course thought that she must know the truth, and was about to guess the right thing. geez was i wrong. she said "is ur secret that u like me as more than a friend" for fucks sake the poor girl, she really had no idea. she at least stopped me crying for a sec, because i laughed at her instead, i said if that was the problem then my real problem wouldnt exist. she still didnt click on. after she said this, i felt so guilty that i said i would just tell her the truth now. but somehow the words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. she must have waited for me to tell her for several minutes, in between bursts of tears. i finaly just bit the bullet , and said those 2 words. "im gay" she was silent for about 10 seconds and said in a very shocked voice"your gay? thats ok!". i was so relieved, i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. we spoke a few mins more, until i finally calmed down and stopped balling, and agreed we would talk about it more at xmas, as we got together every xmas eve for drinks.
so xmas eve we caught up, and we had a really good talk about everything. she said she had never once suspected at all i was gay, and she was completely guilt ridden when i had told her how miserable i had been for so many years. it wasnt her fault of course, i had become such an expert of hiding my feelings about it over the years that i didnt blame her for not noticing anything amiss. she told her bf about me as well, and he was totally cool with it too.
we are still best friends all these years later. not that i had any doubts, cause i trust her completely, but she has faithfully kept my secret all these years from anyone that i didnt want knowing , including my mum who she knows quite well!
so this was probably my most significant coming out moment to date, because it was the first time i had told someone who i had been so close too for many years. i guess if/when i finally tell my family, that will be bigger.

meeting my bf

Septemer 2003 was a great month for me. it started with me getting a new job which i loved, i finally quit uni forever, as i had really begun to hate it and never wanted to go back, and of course, then i met my bf who ive now been with over 6 years.
it all happened very quickly. we met online and chatted for one night only, and swapped phone numbers.
we spent a couple hours on the phone, and got along really well. he was the same age as me, just a few months younger, and totally in the closet at the time, and he only lived 5 mins from me. we organised to meet up for a drink the next night at a straight pub not far from us. i hadnt seen a pic of him b4 we met, and i was blown away when i saw him. he was stunningly good looking. i thought there was no way someone this good looking would be interested in me, but apparently he felt the same. we spent the next few hours getting blind drunk, before we stumbled back to his place and had sex. i still remember going to work the next day, so hungover but so happy. we met up again the next night. then the next, and the next, and pretty much every night after that. within a month we had the "talk" and agreed we were now together.
we certainly had our issues in the beginning, as i reckon every couple does. mostly caused by the fact that that he was even more inexperienced than me with the whole gay thing, and had never had a bf, whilst i had only had 2 very short lived relatiionships which hadnt gone well. both of us being such closet cases also made things difficult.
but after some initial tidal waves, some massive fights, and even a temporary break up for 2 very depressing days, we ended up very happy and in love, and moved in together about a year later (as far as my family knows, he is still my "flatmate" 5 years later hahah!)

a bit of a slut

i think everyone has to go thru a slut phase at one point. mine was about may-august 2003. after i broke up with the 2nd boyfriend. there was just a lot of random guys in this period, and though i had been with quite a few guys the previous 18 months, this period seemed to have a lot more than i had been with before. internet hookups mostly. some unusual places too. a footy park. several cars and some unusual parking places. looking back, i wonder what i was thinking. but i guess it was fun and exciting at the time. lots of "straight" guys seemed to come along too. the hot kind that i like. after a while tho, i think i got bit sick of the whole thing. being a slut does get a bit tired eventually. so when i met my bf at the end of this period, it was defintely a relief. ive had quite a lot of emails/comments asking when the story of when i met my bf is coming, well it will be the next post .
meanwhile on the coming out front, still not much had happened by this point. there was, and still is, a lot of ppl who didnt/dont know!!!! but there is a big story about that coming up after the bf post.

my 2nd boyfriend

one day in april 2003 i randomly ran into this guy down the street, that i had known for a year or so. he was a friend of my flatmate, we had met a couple of times, and mildly flirted and chatted online a bit, but nothing more. he invited me for a drink. we ended up back at his place having sex. this was all a bit against my better judgement, cause this guy was a bit of an arrogant prick, and was apparently a bit of slut, which i wasnt sure was true or not. but for some reason, i tend to find arrogant pricks very attractive. the next few days we hung out a lot, had sex a lot, and ended up as "boyfriends". i didnt really know it was like that, until one day he surprised me by in troducing me to his mother, as his boyfriend! it was not a good relationship tho, cause he really was a prick, very controlling, and would only see me when he wanted, not when i did. my friends met him and told me they all thought he was a wanker, but i still persisted with him, he was like a drug i couldnt give up. but after only 4 or 5 weeks, he rang me one day and said he wanted to just be friends. i was kinda upset at the time, but got over it very quickly, because i think i really had worked out what a prick he could be. in the end i was more upset cause i had gotten really close to his flatmate and best friend, a mid 30's single lady who was a complete barrel of fun. she always took my side whenever he was a prick to me, and she kept telling him he should stay with me cause i was good for him. she loved a good party, and she was also very naughty and gave me cocaine one night (something i had never tried, nor have i tried since!!) . i would be lying if i said it wasnt fun though! but it wasnt something i was interested in getting involved in . but it meant i couldnt hang out with her anymore. so after we broke up, i found out the slut rumours were very true. think i was much better off without him, so thank god he did break up with me. i saw him at a club a couple of years later. he tried cracking onto me and my current boyfriend. sleazebag. told him to go fuck himself. , like he deserved. so by this time i was nearly 22, and had had 2 boyfriends, but both relationships had barely lasted a month. wasnt having much luck in that department up until this point!

the hot surfie dude

a few days after i got back from melbourne, i met up with this 18y.o surfie dude. we had been chatting occasionally for over a year, but he was an extreme closet case and had never wanted to even swap phone numbers, let alone meet. according to him he had only ever been with 1 guy, and he had a girlfriend. but then one balmy evening, well after midnight in march 2003 he popped up online, told me he was drunk and stoned, and wanted to meet. i had just got home myself from a night out so wasnt completely sober either, so of course i didnt think twice. so 10 mins later i was in a taxi to the beach where he lived, just a few mins from my place. now ive chatted to a lot of guys online who claim to be "surfies" but turn out to be nothing of the sort, but this guy really was a true surfie. i had never seen a pic of him, but he was about 6 foot, dark curly hair, had a beautifully tanned surfer body, and had that real "im not gay but i like men" attitude which youd expect from a gay surfie. we laid down on the beach (about 2am) and talked for an hour. it turned out he was also a huge rugby league fan like myself, so the conversation flowed easily. eventually we started making out, and feeling each other all over. man his body felt good! i had never had sex on the beach before, and it was quite exciting. we then sucked each others cocks until the sun came up, and said our goodbyes. after this meeting, the next time he came online, he had a freak out, worried that i was guna tell the world about him. of course i wasnt going to, i was barely out to anyone myself at this time for a start, and i didnt know anyone he knew. i offered to be his friend, to help him with his sexuailty struggles, but he flat out refused my help, so i let him be and we never spoke again.
funny story, a couple years later i was with my bf at popular pub and i saw him working there. ive never kept secrets from my bf, and i pointed him out and told him i had slept with him. my bf looked at him, and said "me too!!". turned out they had sex a few times, not long after i had had sex with him! small world isnt it?

good internet choices

in complete contradiction to the previous post, in feb 2003 i had a great experience with a guy off the net. i started chatting to this guy from melbourne, a wonderful australian city . the relationship developed very quickly and within a week we were calling each other all day every day, we just got along so well. he was totally in the closet, and completely inexperienced with guys, and only just admitting to himself he was gay. i was in the new position of being someone with a little more experience for a change, and able to help him with his issues. after an intense 3 weeks of constant chatting online & on the phone, we decided we just had to meet. it was one of the craziest things ive ever done, i hopped on a plane just days later to travel halfway across australia to meet a guy who i didnt even know what he looked like. he met me at the airport. i was pleasantly surprised, he was quite good looking. he clearly liked me too, because within an hour of checking into my hotel , we were going at it like rabbits. i can still remember, we had sex 11 times in 3 days before i had to fly back home. when we wernt having sex, we also had a lot of fun together, we had a lot in common, like me he loved his sports, gambling and beer. we agreed tho that after i left that we would just stay friends, we both had new worlds to explore and wernt ready for anything serious, especially long distance. we stayed in contact for a long time, and a few months later he successfully came out to all his family and friends. he did the whole slut phase and explored his sexuality, and eventually got a serious boyfriend. last time i heard from him a couple of years ago, he was very happy and settled down. ive never regretting jumping on that plane.

Poor Internet choices

I remember January 2003 very well. now everyone i know that has done the whole meet guys off the internet thing has had bad experiences (and lots of good ones of course!!!). i have had plenty, but that mostly consisted of meeting up with guys who either wernt who they said they were, or were not really after what they had claimed to be after. or the ones where they cancel on u or dont turn up. but i met this one guy online , Mark, who gave me a real bad experience. he lived in another city but we had been chatting online and on the phone for many months, maybe a year. He was kinda my equal, and the one i told everything too, and vice versa, as we were both the same age and at the same stage of the coming out process. we had never met in person but he kinda seemed like my best friend, we spoke every day, taking turns calling each other. In Jan 2003 i happened to be in his city visiting a friend of mine, and told him i was gunna be in town to meet. we had been talking for months about meeting, and we knew each other so well it didnt seem a big deal to me, and he had seemed really keen. but he got really weird when i told him i was there and was free to meet. he changed his mind and said he didnt want to meet anymore (no reason given), then decided he did about 2 hours later. it was never the plan to meet for sex, just to meet as friends, so i still to this day dunno what he got so weird about. so eventually he decided he defintely did want to meet, so i went to his dorm (he lived on a uni campus) and we seemed to get along fine. there wasnt much sexual attraction from my side but i didnt care about that, i just wanted to meet my friend. we had a few beers and then i left, we made plans to meet the next night for a proper get together. so i get back to my friends place after meeting him, check my email, and hes emailed me saying he enjoyed meeting me but doesnt want to meet up again while im in town, but would rather meet in neutral territory , as in neither of our cities. i emailed back saying that was a bit weird, but whatever he thought he was comfortable with, but i was still in town for a couple of days if he changed his mind. i wasnt ready to give up on our friendship cause it had really meant a lot to me over the past year. talking to him and pulled me out of some severe depressions! he then does another mind change and says he does want to meet up the next night. so we meet up at a local bar ,and get wasted. he opens up a bit and we told each other we wernt each others type sexually. after we got this off our chests it seemed we could be happy as just friends, and the convo flowed. anyway that night i slept with him in his bed as i was too drunk to make my way back to my friends place, so he offered me to stay with him and we cuddled in his bed but didnt have sex. it was friendship cuddles and it felt good. we seemed to have finally hit it off in person. i had to leave the next day, and i thought it was all good with us. after i left, i never heard from him for weeks. he stopped using msn (prolly blocked me), didnt answer any calls or texts. i gave up, i wasnt gunna waste any more time on him, i deserved better i thought. he then randomly texted me and said he isnt interested in our long distance friendship any more. no other reason than he cant be bothered. well fuck him, i never contacted him again. i was only ever interested in being his friend, and helping him in his sexuality struggle the way he had helped me. i would be lying if i said it didnt hurt to be treated that way, cause i really cared about him. so whilst this wasnt like the usual bad internet experiences, it was definetly one i have never forgot or really gotten over.

post holiday depression

coming back from overseas to reailty is horrible. im a bit of a traveller, having travelled all around my own country of oz, ive also been to the UK, asia, a few pacific islands , a few states of the USA, mexico, all over south america, and NZ. this UK trip was my first real big one though, and coming home was the worst feeling. and not just because the holiday was over, but i had absolutely nothing to come home to. i had no job, no love prospects, was flat broke, i had taken time off uni, and of course the whole gay thing always weighs on ur mind. i can barely remember what i did the couple of months after i got home. i think i spent a lot of time alone in my room, and probably had a few random net hookups here and there. in fact i think i spent way too much time online, i started staying up later and later, sometimes til 4-5am, and not getting out of bed til after lunch. my flatmate got the shits with me for being such a lazy barstard. i told him to go fuck himself of course. from memory i dont think i met anyone particuarly exciting during this period (sept-Dec2002), and to be honest i cant think of anything exciting that happened then. but 2003 was going to be a new year, and a big year!

the best sex ive ever had

so going back a few years again. im tryin to write everythin about my past in a mostly chronological order, so im up to about July/August 2002 i reckon. i had been at uni 18 months and was totally over it. i was too distracted by my personal life to be honest, and i needed a break. so i decided to take a semester off and see what happens. for my 21st that year my fam bought me a 6 week holiday to the UK, travellin with a couple of them who were all party animals. of course, none of them knew i was gay. by this time id been sleeping with guys for nearly a year and to be honest quite reguarly, and because i was livin away from my fam i was kinda gettin used to not having to pretend the whole straight thing all the time. i mostly went partyin at straight clubs with them in the UK< but one night, about 4 weeks in, i snuck off by myself to find a gay club . i wont say the city cause it gives so much away if anyone i knew came across this, but its a fairly minor UK city and only had 1 gay club that i had researched online. it was a bit scary, going by myself. the man at the door said "you do know this is a gay club dont you". i nodded and walked in. obviously even to the english i didnt seem gay!. so the place was semi busy, and there were a few hot guys there. i was too much of a wuss to talk to any of em, but after a couple of beers some guy came over and started chattin to me. he was quite good looking, and of course had an english accent. any accent is hot as far as im concerned. we chatted for ages and drunk a shitload of beer, before we started making out and he then invited me back to his place. i didnt know what to do, cause it turned out he lived about 30 mins away from the club. in the opposite direction to where i was staying. i also had no way of contacting the fam to tell them what i was doing. but being so drunk and horny, i bit the bullet and went with him. and then i had the hottest sex ive still ever had to this day. i hadnt had much anal sex up to this point in my life, i had mostly done oral and stuff, and this guy could suck cock like nothing else, but when i fucked him, it was just incredible. i cant even explain why, maybe it was the whole situation, but i had never been so turned on.
the next day was fucked tho. after some morning sex, i was ridiculously hungover and i had NO idea where i really was. i was totaly stressing about what the hell i was gunna tell everyone about where i was. i was also thinkin they have probably called the police cause i didnt make it home. so anyway i think after about 2 buses and a taxi ride, i finally made it back to where i was staying early afternoon. it turned out the fam was not worried at all, they assumed i had gone out and picked up. "what was her name" was the first question i was asked when i walked inside. the guys name was martin, so the first name that of course came to mind was "martina" . oh i crack myself up with my creativity. they didnt ask too much more about it, so i had totally gotten away with it. i had martins number, but never called him or saw him again. i went out again to gay clubs a couple of weeks later , which was awesome. i didnt pick up, but i didnt care, i had achieved my mission of having hot sex overseas. i got back from the UK in early Sept 2002, with some gr8 memories, especially of that night.

coming out drunk

so im gunna jump from the past to the present for a sec, cause i had a pretty major weekend. i came out to my friend tina, who was my best friend from the age of 15-20. i cant believe it took me that long to tell her, but its kinda complicated.
tina and i met at high school, we pretty much were inseperable for years. especially when we both turned 18, she was my major party friend. but then we had a huge, nasty fight about 8 years ago. she was dating this total fuckwit who clearly was jealous of our friendship and basically she chose him over me. she was totally immature about the whole thing, and left me in a awkward situation one night, totally stranded with nowhere to sleep after i was meant to stay at her house one night but her bf told her i wasnt allowed (after i got there!). we tentatively made up a couple of years later when they broke up, but it was never quite the same, i was still pretty angry i guess. i saw her maybe twice between 2002 and 2008. once for her wedding, she met a new guy who is really nice and got married in about 2006. we promised to talk more, but i didnt speak to her again for at least a year. then my dad died, and because she knew him quite well, i told her about it and she came to the funeral, and she ended staying with me til i drunk myself into submission. after that we have slowly been becoming good friends again, though mostly over distance with the occasional visit, as she lives a couple of hours away.
so on the weekend i went to a party she was having and we got a bit drunk, and i finally told her i was gay. i just blurted it out towards the end of the night. it is so much easier to tell ppl when ur drunk, nearly everytime ive told an old close friend ive had to get drunk to get the courage to do it. i was pretty sure she knew anyway, because she had asked a mutual friend (who knows about me) a couple of years back, and my friend didnt deny it but didnt tell her either, just said she should ask me. the last few times i have visited, i was actually hoping she would ask so that i wouldnt have to be the one to bring it up, but she never did. so after about 10 beers on saturday, i finally told her. she admitted she knew. she was totally cool with it, she said she never suspected at all growing up, but had worked it out a couple of years ago when i had still had the same "flatmate" for 4 years, and no girlfriends. we spoke openly about our big fight a few years back, and agreed it was all in the past. she has definitly grown up a lot since then. it was big step for me because she should have been the first person i shouldve told years before, but i was always way too scared. i thought she would have hated me and rejected me. looking back, i was so stupid, i could have told her when i was a teenage, and i could have had someone close to me to talk about it with. instead i kept it to myself and it ate me up. hindsight is a great thing

my crush on dave

so my friend dave that i mentioned a few times in earlier posts, broke up with his psycho boyfriend in about May 02. we had been intensely close for about 6 months by that point and somehow i ended up wanting him as more than friend. our friendship had nearly always borded on sexual without really going there, except for a few drunken moments. i decided to tell him i liked him and i honestly thought he felt the same. but he said he didnt want to be with anyone for a while after finally getting out of his nightmare of a relationship, and he just wanted to be single. i was totally pissed off when a few weeks later he started seeing someone else. he had went home with this guy during the end of his relationship and he told me they had secretly been seeing each other for a few weeks. i also thought the guy was a total wanker which made it worse. the night they had met , dave left me at the nightclub we were at alone to go home with him. i thought it was just a one nighter. so so wrong i was. they are still together now, nearly 8 years later. we patched up our differences over what happened, i got over it not long after. but our friendship has never quite been the same, although we are still good friends. the guy is still a bit of a wanker, and treats dave like shit. i found out about a year ago that he slept with one of mine and daves best friends. to complicate it further, she is a girl. she told me about it herself, wracked with guilt. i told her to tell dave the truth but she hasnt. i cant tell dave, even though id like to, as ive been in that situation before and the person who tells always gets the bad end of the stick. so im keeping my mouth shut.

randoms and a 3some

after the boyfriend debacle i went back to meeting guys online. didnt really hit it off with anyone of memory for a couple of months . had quite a few sexual encounters. visited a lot more gay bars. felt comfortable that there was less danger of being caught there each time i went. one night i was leaving, drunk as hell at closing time, when 2 randoms getting in a cab asked me to come with them. with my beer goggles on and being the horny little bugger i was, i went. they were travelling like half an hour away, whereas i lived 2 mins cab drive away, so we ended up at my place. and so happened my first 3some. it was quite hot during the sex. apparently i was the one they both wanted so they fought for my affection. felt kinda good to be wanted! one of them dry humped me which was a first. the other one just wanted to suck me off all night. so woke up the next day though.. and talk about awkward. they were not my type at all really in the sober light of day/. the first one left soon after we woke up. gave me his business card which i never used. the second one wanted some more. i was totally not into it and asked him to leave. he had really bad morning breath when he tried to kiss me. saw him a few months later with a wife and kids! found out later he is a married guy who frequents the bar sometimes. i have no problem with that, but was a bit of a shock to see.
im not sure about my state of mind at about this time, which was about april/may 2002. i had been busy with the gay life for a few months now. i was supposed to be at uni but kinda was too distracted and my grades suffered. i think i was avoiding my old life to try and enjoy the new one. i still hadnt come out to the ppl from my past, but was coming out to new ppl i met along the way. i was defintely a lot happier than i was from about 8 months earlier, when the straight best friend debacle had happened.

first boyfriend

In March 2002 i got my first boyfriend. it lasted about 3 weeks before i had enough. it was a guy i met online that lived a couple of hours away. after a few days intense chatting and phone convos he came to see me and we hit it off. i think we started having sex about 10 minutes after he arrived at my place. he was fairly attractive without being totally hot, and at first i really liked his personailty. he was in his late twenties, a cop and also in the closet. he ended up staying with me for days at a time during his non shift days. i loved that he was a cop, totally unoriginal i know but there really is something sexy about it. anyway, after a few weeks things changed. i started to get a bit sick of him, and sick of having a boyfriend. he was really clingy , and constantly wanted to be on the phone to me when we wernt together. the whole being with guys thing was still fairly new to me as well and i didnt want to be tied up. having never broken up with someone before i had no idea what to do and i handled it really badly. i was really rude to him on the phone one day, and then stopped returning his calls. man what an asshole thing to do, he obviously got the message though as he stopped trying to call . years later he found me on facebook, and thankfully he held no grudges and he seems to be doing well.
i think karma got me back though when i got my 2nd boyfriend (thats still a few stories away though)

RIP dad

Well i am back after a couple of great days away for new years. i love new years, its a great time to catch up with good friends have a drink or 10 or 20 :). but the aftermath of new years is always a sad time for me as its the time of year my dad died. i loved my dad, even though he is probably the biggest cause today of my fear of coming out. yes he was a flawed ,but also great man. he was not the type of man who would ever say it, but i know he loved me, and all his kids.
growing up when i was a youngster, he was a bit scary. he worked a lot and then spent a lot of his spare time at the pub drinking, and he had a pretty bad temper. things changed when my parents divorced when i was about 12 and he moved away. i went to stay with him for most of my school holidays as a teenager, and we developed a great best friend type relationship. he changed a lot, he was a lot happier, and his temper was nothing like it used to be.
my dad was a child of the olden days, having grown up in the 50's, in a small country town. he was not religious in any way, but he held a lot of traditional views. one of his views was his hate of "poofters". he was always openly homophobic, ever since i could remember. he would often make comments like " he would drown one of his kids if they were gay' or "all poofs should be shot" and things like that. and it wasnt just male bravado like some ppl think, he really was very homophobic. his attitude has cleary still had a bearing on the way i have lived my life to this very day. it wasnt easy growing up with a father that you loved dearly, but hated the very thing you really were. but despite this he had his great points. he was , as i said, my best friend. he was always there if i needed anything. he was always great company as i grew into an adult, always there to share a beer with. he was very generous with his moneyto all his kids, , even though he was not nor ever was a wealthy man. he was a great grandfather to my several nieces and nephews that came along over the last few years. he was really loved and admired by many - hundreds of ppl came to his funeral. the positive things like this are what i try to remember him by.
dad collapsed suddenly and died a couple of years ago now. not a day goes by when i dont think about him or miss him, the world just isnt the same without him. but i also have some residual guilt - for years i was worried he would find out i was gay and our relationship as we knew it would be over, and i would be lying if i didnt feel some relief that he never found out before he died . i felt horrible every time i thought like that - but its true. i know i probably shouldnt feel guilty but i do and probably always will. i always thought i might find it easier to come out after he died, but that has not happened either. the people that do know im gay but didnt know him like to tell me that they think he would be proud of me regardless, and believe he would have accepted it and loved me anyway. its a lovely notion, but something that i am absolutely certain would not have been true. i guess i will never know anyway.
if i could turn back time, i still would not have told him the truth, he died proud of me, and as my best mate and thats not something i would ever risk, even for the truth. no regrets. R.I.P