RIP dad

Well i am back after a couple of great days away for new years. i love new years, its a great time to catch up with good friends have a drink or 10 or 20 :). but the aftermath of new years is always a sad time for me as its the time of year my dad died. i loved my dad, even though he is probably the biggest cause today of my fear of coming out. yes he was a flawed ,but also great man. he was not the type of man who would ever say it, but i know he loved me, and all his kids.
growing up when i was a youngster, he was a bit scary. he worked a lot and then spent a lot of his spare time at the pub drinking, and he had a pretty bad temper. things changed when my parents divorced when i was about 12 and he moved away. i went to stay with him for most of my school holidays as a teenager, and we developed a great best friend type relationship. he changed a lot, he was a lot happier, and his temper was nothing like it used to be.
my dad was a child of the olden days, having grown up in the 50's, in a small country town. he was not religious in any way, but he held a lot of traditional views. one of his views was his hate of "poofters". he was always openly homophobic, ever since i could remember. he would often make comments like " he would drown one of his kids if they were gay' or "all poofs should be shot" and things like that. and it wasnt just male bravado like some ppl think, he really was very homophobic. his attitude has cleary still had a bearing on the way i have lived my life to this very day. it wasnt easy growing up with a father that you loved dearly, but hated the very thing you really were. but despite this he had his great points. he was , as i said, my best friend. he was always there if i needed anything. he was always great company as i grew into an adult, always there to share a beer with. he was very generous with his moneyto all his kids, , even though he was not nor ever was a wealthy man. he was a great grandfather to my several nieces and nephews that came along over the last few years. he was really loved and admired by many - hundreds of ppl came to his funeral. the positive things like this are what i try to remember him by.
dad collapsed suddenly and died a couple of years ago now. not a day goes by when i dont think about him or miss him, the world just isnt the same without him. but i also have some residual guilt - for years i was worried he would find out i was gay and our relationship as we knew it would be over, and i would be lying if i didnt feel some relief that he never found out before he died . i felt horrible every time i thought like that - but its true. i know i probably shouldnt feel guilty but i do and probably always will. i always thought i might find it easier to come out after he died, but that has not happened either. the people that do know im gay but didnt know him like to tell me that they think he would be proud of me regardless, and believe he would have accepted it and loved me anyway. its a lovely notion, but something that i am absolutely certain would not have been true. i guess i will never know anyway.
if i could turn back time, i still would not have told him the truth, he died proud of me, and as my best mate and thats not something i would ever risk, even for the truth. no regrets. R.I.P